Can you pleeeeeaseee Rate my Essay... "Awake But Still Asleep"

Topic I chose:
"Descriptive Essay (NOT a stroy, but a picture painted with words)
I thought I knew what fear was. But it was only when it was staring me in the face that I truly knew the meaning of the word.
Write a descriptive essay in which you _describe_ a TRULY fearful moment in your life. Your essay needs to make the reader feel as though he/she was experiencing this fear too. Provide a title for your essay"

I chose a true story. -- sleep paralysis. I tried my best to get all descriptions to the best; like comparing it to stuff and stuff.

Please comment on everything. I need a good mark please.

Mark allocation are as follows:
Planning - 5
Content - 30
Writing style - 15

Suggest better ways to end it or better descriptions on things. I'll be really grateful and will give u best answer.

Awake But Still Asleep

I put my head down on the soft pillow as I lay down to sleep. I lay on my queen size bed and I slowly start sinking in deeper as the thin cotton bed spread softly caress skin and I slowly start to fall asleep. The bed feels really soft and comfortable; moulding to the shape of my body. My eyes are slowly drooping close as I look up to the ceiling in the dark room. Thereís really nothing to look at.

The room becomes darker Ė I canít see my hand in front of my face. It almost feels as if the dark is closing in on me. The black-darkness makes the room almost cold as I lie in bed covering myself up in the thin cotton blanket that can barely cover the length of my body. I close my eyes and my mind is blank as I slip into unconsciousness.

I had been asleep for what seems like hours. I try to see the time on my cell-phone but I am unable to move. I try to move my hand again, but am not able to do this. I try to move another part of my body, but with no prevail. I am uncertain of whatís happening. I am awake, but still asleep.

Everything starts getting colder. I start to shiver. I feel goose bumps starting to develop on my skin, as if something cold ran up against me. Even though I canít feel my skin myself, I can feel my hair standing up on end. I feel a weight on top of my chest; someone, or something, is holding me down to my bed. I cannot get up. I start to panic and in my mind; start shouting, but in reality, no sound comes out.

My heart began beating faster. It feels like the fluttering wings of a cage-trapped bird. The loud thumping of my heart sounds as if it were in my head. It becomes harder to breath. My breathing starts to quicken. Iím losing my breath. It feels as if i only have a few breaths left.

I might be paranoid, but it feels like there is someone watching me. I once again try to move; to wake up from what seems like reality. In my mind, I start moving from side to side, hoping my body would do the same and i wake up.

Then suddenly I jolt up; awoken from what seemed like eternity. My breathing is deep; I am still scared. Vertigo has struck me; my head is spinning as I try to grasp what has happened. My hand is still trembling as I get up to switch on the light.

Thanks in advance