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    #1

    Need your help!

    Dear teacher, I need your help on correcting errors in the paragraph below. Thanks a million.

    The most impressive movie I have watched recently is "Black Swan", which inspired me to be an exceptional person living in this very complex society. The reasons why I like this movie will be explained as below.

    Firstly, the whole story frame of this movie was well-presented by a series of close related unknown cues which showed the audience the truth how the actress transformed from a baby duckling to a beautiful mature swan, and finally became a "black swan".

    Secondly, the acting skill of the main actress caught the viewers' eye. "What an awesome actress" was the comment I heard a lot after we finished watching the movie.

    In addition, the movie was unbelievably filmed by the director, though the content was full of negative thoughts and scary scenes.

    Futhermore, the movie opened my eyes to "Belly Dancing", because I was not a belly dancing lover originally.

    Finally, I strongly recommend you to watch this film.

  1. Khosro's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Need your help!

    Quote Originally Posted by Freight Forwarder View Post
    Dear teacher, I need your help on correcting errors in the paragraph below. Thanks a million.

    The most impressive movie I have watched recently is "Black Swan", which inspired me to be an exceptional person living in this very complex (complicated) society. The reasons why I like this movie will be explained as below.

    Firstly, the whole story frame of this movie was well-presented by a series of close related unknown cues which showed the audience the truth how the actress (heroine) transformed from a baby duckling to a beautiful mature swan, and finally became a "black swan".

    Secondly, the acting skill of the main actress (lead actress) caught (catches) the viewers' eyes. "What an awesome actress" was the (a)comment I heard a lot after we finished watching the movie.

    In addition, the movie was unbelievably filmed by the director, though the content was full of negative thoughts and scary scenes.

    Futhermore, the movie opened my eyes to "Belly Dancing", because I was not a belly dancing lover (a fan of belly dancing) originally.

    Finally, I strongly recommend you to watch (recommend that you watch) this film.
    All I wrote for this thread was disappeared. This time I just show some of the words and phrases in your paragraph which can be corrected or made better.

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    #3

    Re: Need your help!

    Thanks a lot!! Khosro

  2. Khosro's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: Need your help!

    You'r welcome. Just wait for other replys.

    By the way, do you really need all those "firstly", "secondly", "furthermore", ... ?

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    #5

    Re: Need your help!

    Haha, actually I don't need those words as the beginning for every paragraph.
    It is a short assignment for me to talk about the recent movie I watched, whereas I don't know how to make a good structure. To be honest, I have been living in a English speaking country for over five years, but I am still feeling unconfident for my writing and oral English. Since I found this brilliant English forum, I finally reliefed. "what an amazing website for English learners and English teachers!!!" I want to say "Thank You" for every excellent teacher here. Please accept my sincere appreciation!

    (By the way, can anyone check my grammar above as well? Thanks!!)
    Last edited by Freight Forwarder; 21-Feb-2011 at 12:04.

  3. 5jj's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: Need your help!

    The title of your thread does not give much clue to your question.

    Here are some helpful ideas that Raymott posted once:


    Here some useless titles (in my opinion):
    Help me with this word
    Question
    Urgent help needed!
    Hi!
    Grammar Q
    How should I say this
    Is this correct?
    Idiom meaning

    Here are some useful titles:
    Pernickety - what is it?
    IELTS exam information, please
    should or shall
    for the want of a nail ...
    future perfect
    trash - is this a verb?

    So: Please help with error-correction would have been better for you.

  4. Barb_D's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: Need your help!

    Are you quite sure you don't mean ballet and not belly dancing?
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

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