[General] Would please Check my Writing Style??

[Maihad]

Hello .. I am trying to check if I am eligible for this University or not .. all suggestions are welcome ..

Dear Sir/Madam,

Would you please tell me if I am eligible for your MBA program after examining my profile? I am expecting to complete BSc in Accounting in June 2011 with cumulative grade point average of 3.1 out of 4 from Ajman University of Science and Technology U.A.E. I am interested in applying to Monash fulltime MBA program by the second semester of 2011. I intend to set for the IELTS on the 16th of April but I will only be able to report the score on the 29th when scores will be posted online. I should also inform you that I have a professional experience of five years in middle level management where I serve as collection supervisor in Sharjah Municipality - Paid Parking Department. I also hold an associate degree (1995) from Newbury College, Brookline Massachusetts, U.S.A. I am hoping to win a scholarship from The Ministry of Higher Education and Scientific Research U.A.E who would fully finance my study only if I submit an admission offer from reputable MBA program. Finally, please note that I am 38 years old with two years old child.

Best Regards,

Majid M. Alsuwaidi

 

[billmcd]

Hello .. I am trying to check if I am eligible for this University or not .. all suggestions are welcome ..

Dear Sir/Madam,

Would you please tell me if I am eligible for your MBA program after examining my profile? I am expecting to complete a BSc in Accounting in June 2011 with a cumulative grade point average of 3.1 out of 4 from Ajman University of Science and Technology U.A.E. I am interested in applying to Monash for the fulltime MBA program by the second semester of 2011. I intend to set (sit?) for the IELTS on the 16th of April but I will only be able to report the score on the 29th when scores will be posted online. I should also inform you that I have [STRIKE]a[/STRIKE] professional experience of five years in middle level management where I serve as collection supervisor in Sharjah Municipality - Paid Parking Department. I also hold an Associate degree (1995) from Newbury College, Brookline Massachusetts, U.S.A. I am hoping to win a scholarship from The Ministry of Higher Education and Scientific Research, U.A.E who would fully finance my study only if I submit an admission offer from a reputable MBA program such as yours. Finally, please note that I am 38 years old with two years old child.(Is this last sentence really relevant/necessary?)

Best Regards,

Majid M. Alsuwaidi

See minor revisions above.