I assume this is a TOEFL essay question. You need to review how to structure your essay. You have no introduction. Your arguments need to be clearly organized. You need to identify what your arguments will be in your introduction. Etc.
To me, the most important thing that should be improved in my country is the educational system. Each individual
of the time beingin the present day is required to be educated, so education has a lion share (of what?) even in my country. For instance, in my experience as a teacher, children need to interact with their teachers as well as with their peers. As long as their teachers do not know the way of interaction (this is awkward and unclear), the children won't how to interact with other people. In my country ,this system (what system?) has been administered by the teacher-based education (word choice problem: education doesn't administer; people or institutions do) in which teacher's authority plays an important role and it (pronoun reference problem: unclear what "it" is) may not permit students to have creativity or critical thinking. Not engag inged in a group (s), beingtaught antiquated ,and repetitive school books, and not beingmotivated to study and research facts, the students lo ose their confidence to continue in thea goal-oriental way (parallelism problem; look up "faulty parallelism). In my opinion, first of allthe teachers should, first of all, take specific courses on theways ofto interact ionwith students. They should learn how to change their rote methods and replace dthem with joyenjoyable activities , vivid(this word is not the best here)and more friendly creative methods. These help not only the teachers but also the students to create makea good atmosphere both in the classroom and outside. The students need to know how their teachers support them in order to create a small society with less anxiety and much more confidence.
The other way of improving the present educational system is through strengthening the relationships between every individual
withand their teachers, peers and books. Unfortunately, teachers here do not take their time to know each student and to compare every one with themselves(this sounds like the teacher should compare his/her students to him/herself) treat them as individuals, not comparing them to and not withtheir peers. When I evaluated my students, I recognized that every student can make their own progress by themselves. The students in my class understand their responsibilities and improve their weaknesses by themselves. They know howthat their teachers understand them and that the expectations are based on their abilities. expect from their capabilities.As a result, the students try to solve the present problem (what's this problem? unclear) alone and feel satisfaction of themselves (awkward; try: and feel a sense of achievement). As farlong as the teachers help the students understand their weak and strong points with regard to their abilities, the students can make themselvesimprove the tough situation (what is this situation? unclear) wherethey are in. If teachers know their students' capacity, they can count on the creativity of their students.
isrequire ds a huge change in my country. The interaction based on teacher-student and student-student (what kind of interaction? don't teachers interact with students in your country already? needs to be clearer) is a way of improving the educational system. Paying attention to every student is another one. Our country would meetcreate (?) creative, assiduous, goal-oriented and more responsible students in different trends (unclear what this means) ,(there's no comma if the if-clause comes second) if the education was potentiallychanged positively and deeply.
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