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  1. xlade's Avatar

    • Join Date: Aug 2005
    • Posts: 8

    Help Me! My teacher says that i have got bad sentence structure

    Qn:Write a story about someone who had to argue against an angry crowd
    - I am quite sure i have gotten out of point in this one. But more importantly is that my Sentence structure and gramatic mistakes because i taking the o'levels examination soon. Plz point out my mistakes. I want to correct them.

    Choppers flew in form high up the sky in mid-day, twirling clouds towards its blades and causing a stir of wind as it hovered in the middle of the war torn country. The soldiers in them were there to protect the locals in the are. As the soldiers propelled down the ropes of the choppers, Edmund, thought that they were liberating the locals of their sufferings. However, the soldiers were greeted by no one.
    The army soldiers were there to protect the locals from a large group of gruerillas, and were there only because the local army could do nothing about it.
    Dust densed the air in the foreign land as warm breeze blew past. Heads now slowly and carefully popped out of the houses, curiously looking at what had entered their territory. Edmund had been dispatched with a group of soldiers to cover and secure the north-east region . To accomplish things faster, the squad's captain divided the soldiers into groups of two. Edmund and Bala, someone whom he was not close with, was left to cover the region's only market area.
    With their guns, slinged at their shoulders, pointed to the ground, Edmund lagged far behind Bala and soon lost sight of him in the crowded market. Edmund's heart beat with uneasiness. "Never stand alone!" Edmund was reminded by his platoon head's words. Sweat trickled down his fore head, partly due to the immense heat that had parched his tongue too.
    Edmund reached out for his bottle and began gulping down rapids of water, engulfing the surrounding yells of foreign language that were alien to him. Suddenly something crashed into him causing him to spill the water in his bottle. Edmund looked down and sypathy grew in his eyes. He saw a drenched child on the floor. Picking her up, Edmund saw deep cut wounds inflicted by abrasion on the cracked parched floor of the market. The child began crying like a wailing horn, drawing all attention towards them both.
    Eyes locked on him with anger, mumbles in the crowds were heard and fingers were occasionally pointed at him. Edmund noticed that he was taken for a bully. He carved his hands, waving them fervently, trying to show his innoncence through sign language. Abrubtly, the cries were reduced to sobs. Thinking that things were turning for the better, Edmund heaved a sigh of relief. The girl then began to run away, his eyes followed the snail trail of wet patches made by the girl and saw her hug a man who was one head taller than him and possesses muscles that threatened even his gun.
    The eyes of relieved had cleared away but, only to be replaced by fear. The big man spoke something which led the angry crowd to throw vegetables and eggs at Edmund. With a vice-grip clench on the uniform, edmund was liffted of the ground and brought close to the face of the masculine man.
    Unexpectedly, Edmund saw the crowd clear from behind the man and the crowd went back to their homes and heads once again popped out from their windows, curious of how he would be dealt with. However, this time, fear was instilled in their eyes.
    Edmund was unpleasantly greeted by an assembly of armed men with guns pointe at him. The mascular man spoke in that foreign language and Edmund blindly replied in his defence," It's not my fault! Your child bumped into me and fell! Not my Fault!"
    The man gave a low laugh and spoke in a lower voice," Bring me to your leader." He then pointed a luger at Edmund's temple. Edmund now realised his situation, he was a hostage.
    Edmund procrastinated on whether to follow the order as his eyes scanned the horrific faces of the assembly of men, each with a look to kill. As though a spotlight had shown, Edmund spotted Bala in the midst of the men.
    Bala raised his gun, Edmund's eyes grew with appallment, the masculine man turned around. Witha loud crackle, he fell to the ground with eyes wide open. Chancing on the the opportunity, Edmund ran till his lungs sored as Bala calmly slipped away amidst the chaotic wild fires that trailed behind Edmund.
    Edmund ran through alleys after alleys and finally saw a familiar face, the face of his squad's captain. Thud. Edmund fell flat onto the scorched hard ground and lost conciousness due to exhaustion. He was save. With much thanks to Bala.
    Last edited by xlade; 27-Aug-2005 at 09:38. Reason: to add subject question

  2. Editor,
    English Teacher
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • UK
      • Current Location:
      • Laos

    • Join Date: Nov 2002
    • Posts: 60,657

    Re: Help Me! My teacher says that i have got bad sentence structure

    towards its blades- their blades (the subject is the 'choppers', isn't it?)
    soldiers propelled down - climbed/abseiled?
    liberating the locals of - from
    gruerillas- typo
    Dust densed the air - unusual usage
    With their guns, slinged at their shoulders- no comma and I'd say 'slung'
    Edmund was reminded by his platoon head's words- reminded of
    gulping down rapids of water- I'm not too keen on the use of 'rapids' here
    He was save- safe

  3. xlade's Avatar

    • Join Date: Aug 2005
    • Posts: 8

    Re: This is a composition that i Just wrote.

    Thank you tdol. Seems like teacher is totally right. There are lots of problems with it. would u plz rate the composition upon 10 ? nevermind if it is a fail. I just want to do well by improving.

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