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    #1

    Post Can someone check that this text is correct??

    I have a problem with time verb. I'll be very grateful for help :)

    ***
    Emma could not believe what she saw in front of her. Jared, a boy from her class, sat and ate a sandwich. But it was not a normal sandwich: this was with strawberry jam, which could not be here.
    'Why' you can ask. Emma has learned in boarding school. For month, every day, she has asked cooks about the essence of her live - one small jar of jam. They have always gave her answer: 'No, darling. Maybe tomorrow we will get something.' For one, long month Emma have existed without a jam. As a result, she has behaved like vampire on hunger.
    So, when she saw Jared with coveted jar, without unnecessary admission, roared: 'How dare you have it!?' and she pointed a finger at the strawberry substance. The boy stared at Emma with consternation and asked: 'What do you mean? It is only a strawberry jam'. And it was mistake. Last clear mind, which Emma's brain registered, was:'... only strawberry jam!? ONLY ?!'She charged of Jared with murder in the eyes.
    I will not describe next events- they are not proper to sensible reader. I can only say, that Jared have never been the same. And Emma's hunger was satisfied.

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    #2

    Re: Can someone check that this text is correct??

    I have a problem with time verb.(? ....time verb..?) I'd be very grateful for help :)

    Charming. A jam-vampire, very believable.*

    ***
    Emma could not believe what she saw in front of her. Jared, a boy from her class, sat eating a sandwich - but not a normal sandwich. This sandwich was made with strawberry jam, which could not be here!
    'Why?' you may ask.
    Emma attended boarding school and for a month, every day, she had asked the school cooks about the lack of jam (essence of her live?)
    They always gave her the same answer. 'There is no jam. Maybe tomorrow we will get some.'
    For one long month Emma existed without her beloved jam. As a result, she behaved like a vampire, searching for jam instead of blood!
    So, when she saw Jared with some of the coveted jam, she roared: 'How dare you have jam?' and she pointed a finger at the strawberry substance.
    The boy stared at Emma with consternation and said: 'What do you mean? It is only strawberry jam.'
    That was a mistake. The last clear thought which Emma's brain registered, was: '... only strawberry jam!? ONLY?'
    She charged at Jared with murder in her eyes.
    I will not describe the next events- they may not be acceptable to sensitive readers. I can only say that Jared has never been the same since. And Emma's hunger has been satisfied.

  2. Newbie
    Student or Learner
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Polish
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      • Poland
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      • Poland

    • Join Date: May 2011
    • Posts: 2
    #3

    Re: Can someone check that this text is correct??

    Thank you. It even looks better, more like English :) And 'time verb' -it's my word creation, should be 'verb tenses'.

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