an essay about my best friend

[ripley]

Hi,
I' d like to know whata native speaker thinks about the first part of my essay about my best friend.. thanks Rip
Please, tell me where I'm wrong ang give as many suggestions as possible to make my writing more interesting in style..

My best friend is called Sara; she is one of my schoolmates; she is in my class and she sits next to me. We are the same age but she was born in May and I was born in September, so she is already fourteen while I am still thirteen.
She is average height and slim; she has got an oval face; her eyes are big and brown; her hair is long straight and dark; we nickname her “whisp Bedini”; Bedini is her surname and we call her whisp because she wears a pony tail right on the top of her head….She has got a fair complexion but in the summer she is as brown as a berry.
She is very good at school; her favourite school subject is Maths;
She looks shy but she is like that only with people that she doesn't know well; on the contrary she is very sociale when she gets to know you.Some of our classmates tease her and call her "bega", which in our local Italian dialect means "sting tail worm"; when she was a little girl she used to be bossy and so they gave her this label.

What I like best of her is that she is always ready to help you.
Sara likes playing volleyball very much. It is her favourite sport. She likes reading every kind of book, but especially fantastic stories like the Potter books or the Twilight novels.


We are both only children

 

[Raymott]

Hi,
I' d like to know whata native speaker thinks about the first part of my essay about my best friend.. thanks Rip
Please, tell me where I'm wrong ang give as many suggestions as possible to make my writing more interesting in style..

My best friend is called Sara; she is one of my schoolmates. She is in my class and she sits next to me. Even though we are the same age, she was born in May and I was born in September, so she is already fourteen while I am still thirteen.
Your use of a semicolon to connect two related sentences is good, but I'd draw the line at three.
This is become too repetitious already, because you begin all your sentences with the pronoun subject. I've offered an alternative - however, the sentence is illogical, because you can't be the same age if she's 14 and you're 13.

She is average height and slim; she has got an oval face; her eyes are big and brown; her hair is long, straight and dark; we nickname her “whisp Bedini”. Bedini is her surname and we call her whisp because she wears a pony tail right on the top of her head…. She has got a fair complexion but in the summer she is as brown as a berry.
Same comments as above - too repetitious. Why the ellipsis?

She is very good at school; her favourite school subject is Maths.
She looks shy but she is like that only with people that she doesn't know well. On the contrary [good] she is very sociable when she gets to know you. Some of our classmates tease her and call her "bega", which in our local Italian dialect means "sting tail worm". When she was a little girl she used to be bossy and so they gave her this label.

What I like best [STRIKE]of[/STRIKE] about her is that she is always ready to help you.
Sara likes playing volleyball very much. It is her favourite sport.
"Volleyball is Sara's favourite sport, which she enjoys playing very much" - another example of how to vary your sentence structure.

She likes reading every kind of book, but especially fantasy stories like the Potter books or the Twilight novels.


We are both only children. [Yes, you've given your ages. You're actually teenagers, and likely to be pubescent. But perhaps you are implying that you are still children psychologically, in which case you should make that clear.]

Really, you can't write an essay joining all the sentences together with semicolons. Use this construction sparingly.
Try to think of better transitions for your sentences, and don't start them all with the subject. "On the contrary" is a good example. Try to give some interesting structure, using words like "However', 'nevetheless', 'Even though ...." You know the type of thing.
Your English is good, but not very inspiring.

 

[ripley]

Thanks a lot for your precious help.
When I wrote that we are only children I mean that we both don't have any brothers or sisters.... can't I say that that way?
I am an only child, she is an only child: we are both only children?
Thanks Rip

 

[Raymott]

Thanks a lot for your precious help.
When I wrote that we are only children I mean that we both don't have any brothers or sisters.... can't I say that that way?
I am an only child, she is an only child: we are both only children?
Thanks Rip

That's ambiguous. To me, "We are both only children" meant "We are both just children."
"I'm only a child; she's only a child. We are both only children."

"Neither of us has any siblings" is specific.