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    #1

    I need a second opinion on this sentence

    Ok, I've been working on a short story and I'm kind of stuck on this one sentence. I've been writing for years and I always look things up and I got some books as references thanks to the classes I've taken back in high school, but I am somewhat stumped on how to type out this sentence.

    I'll post a few sentences before it, cause if you are anything like me, it helps give an idea of what I am getting at. And the problem area I will make bold.

    I reached over the rim of the tub and grabbed an ivory toothed comb from a little tray on a wooden bench. "This feels nice, doesn't it?" I asked Amor as I gently combed its fur. Amor stuck its tongue out in response, enjoying being.....

    It totally sounds goofy to me and I am sure it sounds odd to anyone else reading it, but I feel stumped as to how to put it without feeling the need to leave it out all together.

    I was going to type '...enjoying being combed...' but like I said, that sounds totally off. I skimmed through some threads in the form to find anything to clear up my dilemma but nothing that is relevant.

    I am in no hurry at all, so I'm not expecting any instant answers.

    Also, please keep on topic.
    Last edited by LiliumKain; 12-Jun-2011 at 06:33. Reason: adding some tid bits

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    #2

    Re: I need a second opinion on this sentence

    Quote Originally Posted by LiliumKain View Post
    Ok, I've been working on a short story and I'm kind of stuck on this one sentence. I've been writing for years and I always look things up and I got some books as references thanks to the classes I've taken back in high school, but I am somewhat stumped on how to type out this sentence.

    I'll post a few sentences before it, cause if you are anything like me, it helps give an idea of what I am getting at. And the problem area I will make bold.

    I reached over the rim of the tub and grabbed an ivory toothed comb from a little tray on a wooden bench. "This feels nice, doesn't it?" I asked Amor as I gently combed its fur. Amor stuck its tongue out in response, enjoying being.....

    It totally sounds goofy to me and I am sure it sounds odd to anyone else reading it, but I feel stumped as to how to put it without feeling the need to leave it out all together.

    I was going to type '...enjoying being combed...' but like I said, that sounds totally off. I skimmed through some threads in the form to find anything to clear up my dilemma but nothing that is relevant.

    I am in no hurry at all, so I'm not expecting any instant answers.
    I see no problem with "combed", but you could use one of several more general terms such as "pampered", "coddled", "indulged", "spoiled".
    Last edited by billmcd; 12-Jun-2011 at 03:23. Reason: typo

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    #3

    Re: I need a second opinion on this sentence

    Quote Originally Posted by billmcd View Post
    I see no problem with "combed", but you could use one of several more general terms such as "pampered", "coddled", "indulged", "spoiled".
    oh, that's not the problem, just the "enjoying being" part, just doesn't sound right to me
    Last edited by LiliumKain; 12-Jun-2011 at 04:05. Reason: evil typo monster

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    #4

    Re: I need a second opinion on this sentence

    Quote Originally Posted by Gillnetter View Post
    Why are you calling Amor "it"? Usually one would call a pet him or her. The reason I ask is that if Amor is not a usual type of pet (dog, cat) could have something to do with the response from Amor.
    that is kind of off topic but Amor is an asexually reproducing parasitic tail, hence why it is called an 'it'

    anyways, back to the problem at hand

  1. konungursvia's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: I need a second opinion on this sentence

    Use a noun instead of a gerund: enjoyed the attention etc.

  2. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: I need a second opinion on this sentence

    I would use the gerund if the sentence is to remain as you originally posted it, but with a noun coming after:

    Amor stuck its tongue out in response, enjoying the attention.

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    #7

    Re: I need a second opinion on this sentence

    *slams face into keyboard* Holy cow am I an idiot.

    Thank you konungursvia and emsr2d2

    That sings so much more sweetly. I'm dyslexic so sometimes my head acts a little impish when it comes to writing.

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