Is this text grammatically correct?

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sidman47

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Hi,

please can you tell me if these sentences are correct. It seems like there are some mistakes I haven't already found. By the way thanks to all of you who read and answer this post.

Best Regards,
sidman47



Here's the text:


It was a slightly cold Friday night on November 25th in my hometown Lincolnshire, England. The stars were sparkling softly from the sky and a painful wind that felt like an icy-cold breath out of devil's mouth was blowing directly to my face. Do you remember such a feeling when you have some kind of foreboding.
 
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sidman47

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Regarding to the sentence "Do you remember such a feeling when you had some kind of foreboding?" Why can't I say "... when you have some ..."?
 

geordief

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well this is my take.
I would say either "hometown,Lincolnshire" or "hometown in Lincolnshire" since Lincolnshire is a region , not a town.

Secondly "blowing to" is fine ,if a little poetic as I would take "to" to mean "towards" or "into"

Thirdly to say "have" instead of "had" is good because it puts you in the moment but I think if you say " as when you have some kind of foreboding" it would be clearer but is that the exact sense of what you are trying to say?

I think the use of "such" may require a following "as"
But if you are just associating "such" with "feeling" without an explicit comparison then the sense of " when you have some kind of foreboding" is different and I can't determine what was the sense of what you were trying to express there.
 

cemelie

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well this is my take.
I would say either "hometown,Lincolnshire" or "hometown in Lincolnshire" since Lincolnshire is a region , not a town.

Secondly "blowing to" is fine ,if a little poetic as I would take "to" to mean "towards" or "into"

Thirdly to say "have" instead of "had" is good because it puts you in the moment but I think if you say " as when you have some kind of foreboding" it would be clearer but is that the exact sense of what you are trying to say?

I think the use of "such" may require a following "as"
But if you are just associating "such" with "feeling" without an explicit comparison then the sense of " when you have some kind of foreboding" is different and I can't determine what was the sense of what you were trying to express there.


I'll prefer to use 'have' too instead of 'had' to show the "in the moment" spirit. But like what geordief said, it depends on what you are trying to convey. Are you "recalling something"? If yes, use past tense. ;-)
 

jahildebrandt

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This is how I would revise the text while keeping it close to the original:

It was a slightly cold Friday night on November 25th in my hometown, Lincolnshire, England. The stars were sparkling softly from the sky. A painful wind that felt like an ice-cold breath out of a devil's mouth was blowing directly into my face. A feeling of dread *

Placing a comma before Lincolnshire, England sets it apart as an appositive and more clearly marks it as your hometown. chompchomp.com/terms/appositive.htm

I separated the second sentence into two different sentences since it was a run-on.
grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/runons.htm

I changed "wind blowing directly to my face" into "blowing directly into my face" because in the first version, it makes it seem as though all of the wind that existed was blowing into the speaker's face rather than the speaker facing the wind.

The last sentence is awkward in general. It breaks the verb tense used previously. And stops the story to ask a question in the present tense. If you start with the one tense, you have to use it throughout.
Note: In English, we have feelings of foreboding (dread is a good synonym.) We don't have foreboding.

I'm a native American English speaker. If there is something you don't understand, let me know. I am not used to conversing with ESL learners.
 
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