would anyone be able to check whether the sentence?

[koalachan]

Hi everyone,

Please would anyone be able to check whether the sentence below is grammatically and structurally correct? Will really appreciate your help and time.

''Dear Mr XX,

I am writing to show my interest in entering agreement with yourself in hoping to appoint myself as an exclusive distributor in Christchurch. It would offer a great opportunity for your company to move inventory faster. If you are interested in taking this on, please contact me at _______ to explore this further. Thank you.''

Many thanks everyone.

 

[billmcd]

Hi everyone,

Please would anyone be able to check whether the sentence below is grammatically and structurally correct? Will really appreciate your help and time.

''Dear Mr XX,

I am writing to show my interest in entering agreement with [STRIKE]yourself[/STRIKE] you in [STRIKE]hoping to appoint myself [/STRIKE] the hope that you would appoint me as an exclusive distributor in Christchurch. It would offer a great opportunity for your company to move inventory faster. If you are interested in taking this on, please contact me at _______ to explore this further. Thank you.''

Many thanks everyone.

Some minor revisions.

 

[koalachan]

Many thanks billmcd for your time!! Much appreciated!

Koalachan