[Essay] My first Enlish essay,please check.

[popozzz1987]

Topic:
Many young people who leave school with a negative attitude towards learning. Why does this happen? How to solve the problem?

Nowadays, one of the most challenging problem of education is that young people hold negative attitudes towards learning. Due to the detrimental effects on the quality of public education such as decreasing proportion of students entering schools of higher grade and even imposing adverse effects on young people’s personal development, it is, therefore, of great necessity to explore feasible solutions.

Few people can deny that young people are confonted with fierce competition for limited education resources, the opportunities to enter into a notableuniversity, for instance.This every desire stimulates them to try a varity of means to gain the upper hand over others, which, unfortunately, renders them stressful and anxious. Consequently, a sense of fear and resistance towards school and learning may be accumulated gradually, driving students out of their classrooms.

Teachers’ and parents’ high expectations of young people are found to be another major contributor to this situation. Unachievable targets set by teachers or parents to encourage young people to work hard, which may just the opposite to what they wish. No matter how tremenderous efforts they made, it is still impossible to achieve such goals for students who are over-expected. In the end, a sense of frustration and self-denial make them reluctant to enter their school.

Apart from the above-mentioned factors, over-exposure to computer games or online chat may account for this phenomenon. An experiment caried out by Japanese Central Agency explored students’ attitudes towards learning in school inrelation to computer games and online chat, and revealed that students who are indulged in morden technology were generally unwilling to have regular schooling.

Taking the above reasons into consideration, our efforts should be directed to practical measures which are supposed to be taken to improve young people’s attitude towards schooling. For one thing, it is imperative for authorities to draw up and put forward corresponding rules in an attempt to lighten the burdens of students. For another, teaching methods should be enhanced and enriched to educate young people through entertainment, make learning more attractive.

There is little room for doubt that the above-mentioned measures will partially help solve the thorny problem. With the help, following decades will witness positive attitude of young people towards school learning.


Thanks your help.

 

[Aishwarya.89]

Nowadays, one of the most challenging problems of education is that young people hold negative attitudes towards learning. Due to the detrimental effects on the quality of public education such as decreasing proportion of students entering schools of higher grade and even imposing adverse effects on young people’s personal development, it is, therefore, of great necessity to explore feasible solutions.

Few people can deny that young people are confonted with fierce competition for limited education resources, the opportunities to enter into a notable university, for instance.This [STRIKE]every[/STRIKE] very desire stimulates them to try a [STRIKE]variety of [/STRIKE] various means to gain the upper hand over others, which, unfortunately, renders them stressful and anxious. Consequently, a sense of fear and resistance towards school and learning may be accumulated gradually, driving students out of their classrooms.

Teachers’ and parents’ high expectations of young people are found to be another major contributor to this situation. Unachievable targets set by teachers or parents to encourage young people to work hard, [STRIKE]which [/STRIKE]may just be the opposite to what they wish. [STRIKE]No matter how tremendous efforts they made, it is still impossible to achieve such goals for students who are over-expected.[/STRIKE] In the end, a sense of frustration and self-denial make them reluctant to enter their school.

Apart from the above-mentioned factors, over-exposure to computer games or online chat may account for this phenomenon. An [STRIKE]experiment [/STRIKE] survey carried out by Japanese Central Agency explored students’attitudes towards learning in school [STRIKE] in relation to computer games and online chat, and revealed that students who are indulged in morden technology were generally unwilling to have regular schooling.[/STRIKE]

It was observed that students who are well-versed with computer games, online chat and other such modern technologies, were generally unwilling to have regular schooling.

Taking the above reasons into consideration, our efforts should be directed towards practical measures which are supposed [STRIKE]to be taken[/STRIKE] to improve young people’s attitude towards schooling. For one thing, it is imperative for authorities to draw up and put forward corresponding rules in an attempt to lighten the burden[STRIKE]s[/STRIKE] of students. For another, teaching methods should be enhanced and enriched to educate young people through entertainment, thereby make learning more attractive.

[STRIKE]There is little room for doubt that[/STRIKE] Undoubtedly, the above-mentioned measures will partially help to solve the thorny problem. With [STRIKE]the [/STRIKE] some help, the following decades will witness positive attitude of young people towards school learning.


Thanks your help.


Its a good attempt. Somehow i feel, you can emphasize more on how to address the problem.

Thanks,
Aishwarya

 

[Raymott]

Topic:
Many young people [STRIKE]who[/STRIKE] leave school with a negative attitude towards learning. Why does this happen? How can we solve the problem?
"How to solve the problem?" is not a correct English sentence. It does not contain a main verb. You could explain this to your teacher (or whoever set the question.)

Nowadays, one of the most challenging problems of education is that young people hold negative attitudes towards learning. Due to the detrimental effects on the quality of public education, such as decreasing proportion of students entering schools of higher grade and even imposing adverse effects on young people’s personal development, it is, therefore, of great necessity to explore feasible solutions.

Few people [STRIKE]can [/STRIKE] would deny that young people are confronted with fierce competition for limited education resources, the opportunities to enter into a notable university, for instance. This [Thus?] every desire stimulates them to try a variety of means to gain the upper hand over others, which, unfortunately, [STRIKE]renders [/STRIKE]makes them stressful and anxious. Consequently, a sense of fear and resistance towards school and learning may be accumulated gradually, driving students out of their classrooms.

Teachers’ and parents’ high expectations of young people are [STRIKE]found to be[/STRIKE] another major contributor to this situation. Unachievable targets set by teachers or parents [STRIKE]to[/STRIKE] encourage young people to work hard, which may be just the opposite [STRIKE]to[/STRIKE] of what they wish.
This is not a proper sentence with 'to'. It also needs rephrasing: What is the opposite of what they wish? Unachievable targets? Young people working hard?

No matter how tremend[STRIKE]er[/STRIKE]ous the efforts they make, it is still impossible to achieve such goals for students [STRIKE]who are over-expected[/STRIKE] of whom too much is expected. In the end, a sense of frustration and self-denial make them reluctant to enter their school.
Why self-denial?

Apart from the above-mentioned factors, over-exposure to computer games or online chat may partly account for this phenomenon. An experiment carried out by Japanese Central Agency explored students’ attitudes towards learning in school in relation to their usage of computer games and online chat, and revealed that students who [STRIKE]are [/STRIKE]indulged in this sort of modern technology were generally unwilling to have regular schooling.
I wouldn't describe games and chat as "modern technology". You make modern technology sound like a bad thing.

Taking the above reasons into consideration, our efforts should be directed to practical measures which [STRIKE]are supposed to [/STRIKE] could be taken to improve young people’s attitude towards schooling. For one thing, it is imperative for authorities to draw up and put forward corresponding rules in an attempt to lighten the burdens of students. For another, teaching methods should be enhanced and enriched to educate young people through entertainment, make learning more attractive. Wouldn't this involve modern technology - which you have said is bad for them?

There is little room for doubt that the above-mentioned measures will partially help solve the thorny problem. With the help [of what? whom?], the following decades will witness positive attitudes of young people towards school learning.


Thanks your help.

This is well-done. Some of your phrasing is obviously non-native, but you've made an effort to try and use advanced sentence structure and vocabulary. Sometimes this means that the sentence gets away from you (you lose track of what you intend to say, or how you should say it). But it's better to be adventurous than not try at all. :up:

 

[popozzz1987]

Nowadays, one of the most challenging problems of education is that young people hold negative attitudes towards learning. Due to the detrimental effects on the quality of public education such as decreasing proportion of students entering schools of higher grade and even imposing adverse effects on young people’s personal development, it is, therefore, of great necessity to explore feasible solutions.

Few people can deny that young people are confonted with fierce competition for limited education resources, the opportunities to enter into a notable university, for instance.This [STRIKE]every[/STRIKE] very desire stimulates them to try a [STRIKE]variety of [/STRIKE] various means to gain the upper hand over others, which, unfortunately, renders them stressful and anxious. Consequently, a sense of fear and resistance towards school and learning may be accumulated gradually, driving students out of their classrooms.

Teachers’ and parents’ high expectations of young people are found to be another major contributor to this situation. Unachievable targets set by teachers or parents to encourage young people to work hard, [STRIKE]which [/STRIKE]may just be the opposite to what they wish. [STRIKE]No matter how tremendous efforts they made, it is still impossible to achieve such goals for students who are over-expected.[/STRIKE] In the end, a sense of frustration and self-denial make them reluctant to enter their school.

Apart from the above-mentioned factors, over-exposure to computer games or online chat may account for this phenomenon. An [STRIKE]experiment [/STRIKE] survey carried out by Japanese Central Agency explored students’attitudes towards learning in school [STRIKE] in relation to computer games and online chat, and revealed that students who are indulged in morden technology were generally unwilling to have regular schooling.[/STRIKE]

It was observed that students who are well-versed with computer games, online chat and other such modern technologies, were generally unwilling to have regular schooling.

Taking the above reasons into consideration, our efforts should be directed towards practical measures which are supposed [STRIKE]to be taken[/STRIKE] to improve young people’s attitude towards schooling. For one thing, it is imperative for authorities to draw up and put forward corresponding rules in an attempt to lighten the burden[STRIKE]s[/STRIKE] of students. For another, teaching methods should be enhanced and enriched to educate young people through entertainment, thereby make learning more attractive.

[STRIKE]There is little room for doubt that[/STRIKE] Undoubtedly, the above-mentioned measures will partially help to solve the thorny problem. With [STRIKE]the [/STRIKE] some help, the following decades will witness positive attitude of young people towards school learning.


Thanks your help.


Its a good attempt. Somehow i feel, you can emphasize more on how to address the problem.

Thanks,
Aishwarya

Thanks a lot. Your advice is very helpful.

 

[popozzz1987]

This is well-done. Some of your phrasing is obviously non-native, but you've made an effort to try and use advanced sentence structure and vocabulary. Sometimes this means that the sentence gets away from you (you lose track of what you intend to say, or how you should say it). But it's better to be adventurous than not try at all. :up:

A nice try, but a poor essay. I wish I could do better by taking more practice. Thank you very much. It is very helpful.