sayo
Member
- Joined
- Sep 9, 2011
- Member Type
- English Teacher
- Native Language
- Japanese
- Home Country
- Japan
- Current Location
- Japan
Hello, there.
I'd really appreciate it if you'd help me out with student's speech
draft.
The speech should be over within 2'45". *I think the draft is a bit
long, but I'm not
sure where to shorten.
In terms of the 'organization', is this draft well-organized and
consistent with the topic or speech title?
Do you think you would get the message of the speaker if you were part
of the audience?
As for the title of the speech, I have some more options something
like below:
"I’ll never forget"
"I’ll stand by you"
"I’ll never forget, standing by you …"
Pl. tell me what you think about the title, too.
Lastly, grammar, words & expressions a source of my worries.
Any advice would be of an enormous help to me.
I'm sending you a lot of thanks in advance.
Thank you.
Below is the speech draft.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Never ‘Out of Sight, Out of Mind’
Something unbelievable happened in Tohoku area, the northern part of
Japan. *It was the world’s largest quake and tsunami on March 11th.
The quake and tsunami was devastating, and destroyed cities and towns
and has taken away the lives of many people there. *The explosion of
Fukushima nuclear power plant added fuel to the tragedy. *Everything
was, and still is, beyond words.
When the quake hit Tohoku, I was in a math class. *I was very scared,
and many of my classmates were left speechless. *We hid ourselves
under the desk, and a little later we ran outside to evacuate. *The
ceilings of the music room and the gym fell off. *My grandfather said,
‘I’ve never had one like this before.’
Seven months have passed. *Everybody is still talking about
‘assistance’ we can give and ‘responsibility’ we can share.
Collecting and sending money to those in need or saving on energy is,
of course, part of it. *It’s important to take action. *Like many of
you, I’ve made a little donation as well as turning off lights when
unnecessary.
I’m a junior high school student, so I don’t think there’s much I can
do to help now.
But ‘There should be more to the assistance other than sending
money…’ *I thought about it over and over.
As time goes by, we tend to forget what we faced in the past. *If so
this time again, what we’re doing out of good will means very little.
I thought, ‘I live far away, but I can ALWAYS stand by them in my mind
and heart.’ *I’m not sure how long it will take for Tohoku to fully
recover from the rubble. *But one thing is for sure; they will need
us, who will never forget their sufferings, and they want us to
support them for as long period of time as it takes.
I will never forget what happened last March; I will stand by them the
way I can.
When I grow up and when the time comes, I’ll do my best to be of a big
help to those having a hard time in their lives.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ends here.
I'd really appreciate it if you'd help me out with student's speech
draft.
The speech should be over within 2'45". *I think the draft is a bit
long, but I'm not
sure where to shorten.
In terms of the 'organization', is this draft well-organized and
consistent with the topic or speech title?
Do you think you would get the message of the speaker if you were part
of the audience?
As for the title of the speech, I have some more options something
like below:
"I’ll never forget"
"I’ll stand by you"
"I’ll never forget, standing by you …"
Pl. tell me what you think about the title, too.
Lastly, grammar, words & expressions a source of my worries.
Any advice would be of an enormous help to me.
I'm sending you a lot of thanks in advance.
Thank you.
Below is the speech draft.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Never ‘Out of Sight, Out of Mind’
Something unbelievable happened in Tohoku area, the northern part of
Japan. *It was the world’s largest quake and tsunami on March 11th.
The quake and tsunami was devastating, and destroyed cities and towns
and has taken away the lives of many people there. *The explosion of
Fukushima nuclear power plant added fuel to the tragedy. *Everything
was, and still is, beyond words.
When the quake hit Tohoku, I was in a math class. *I was very scared,
and many of my classmates were left speechless. *We hid ourselves
under the desk, and a little later we ran outside to evacuate. *The
ceilings of the music room and the gym fell off. *My grandfather said,
‘I’ve never had one like this before.’
Seven months have passed. *Everybody is still talking about
‘assistance’ we can give and ‘responsibility’ we can share.
Collecting and sending money to those in need or saving on energy is,
of course, part of it. *It’s important to take action. *Like many of
you, I’ve made a little donation as well as turning off lights when
unnecessary.
I’m a junior high school student, so I don’t think there’s much I can
do to help now.
But ‘There should be more to the assistance other than sending
money…’ *I thought about it over and over.
As time goes by, we tend to forget what we faced in the past. *If so
this time again, what we’re doing out of good will means very little.
I thought, ‘I live far away, but I can ALWAYS stand by them in my mind
and heart.’ *I’m not sure how long it will take for Tohoku to fully
recover from the rubble. *But one thing is for sure; they will need
us, who will never forget their sufferings, and they want us to
support them for as long period of time as it takes.
I will never forget what happened last March; I will stand by them the
way I can.
When I grow up and when the time comes, I’ll do my best to be of a big
help to those having a hard time in their lives.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ends here.
