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  1. rainous's Avatar
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    #1

    repeating words

    In writing the ridiculously long sentence below, I used "them" and "each trainee" by turns as it see fit to make the sentence sound OK. But I need a sensei's verification.

    I want to know whether using those two by turns was a good idea for the overall structure and look of the sentence. Thank you.

    "Given that most of my trainees are preparing for PAT, during each training session, I especially focus on giving them individualized attention to meet the specific needs of each trainee, assessing which test component each trainee is most likely to excel at and providing them with a comprehensive training program consisting of individualized workout routine, nutritional advice, and systemic progress follow-up to help them achieve their goals."

  2. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: repeating words

    Quote Originally Posted by rainous View Post
    In writing the ridiculously long sentence below, I used "them" and "each trainee" by turns as it see fit to make the sentence sound OK. But I need a sensei's verification.

    I want to know whether using those two by turns was a good idea for the overall structure and look of the sentence. Thank you.

    "Given that most of my trainees are preparing for PAT, during each training session, I especially focus on giving them individualized attention to meet the specific needs of each trainee, assessing which test component each trainee is most likely to excel at and providing them with a comprehensive training program consisting of individualized workout routine, nutritional advice, and systemic progress follow-up to help them achieve their goals."
    I have made a few changes. See what you think of...


    "Given that most of my trainees are preparing for PAT, during each training session I focus on giving each trainee individual attention to meet their specific needs. I assess which test component each one is likely to excel at, and provide them with a comprehensive training program consisting of a customised workout routine, nutritional advice and systemic progress follow-up[s] to help them achieve their goals."

    As you can see, I've not only changed a few words, but I've also split it into two sentences.

  3. JohnParis's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: repeating words

    Your original sentence had 67 words. Not a record, but still well over the suggested limit of 40 (Elements of Style by Strunk and White, 4th edition).
    I've always felt less is more, so here is my suggestion (in 2 sentences). I put one phrase in italics because I'm not certain of the context.


    Because most of my trainees are preparing for PAT, I focus on providing individualized attention to meet specific needs. I assess which test component each is most likely to excel in, and then I provide a comprehensive training program of individualized workout routines, nutritional advice, and systemic progress follow-ups to help achieve their goals.


    A New York Times music critic once wrote of a famous living singer "her philosophy is clearly "why sing one note when 20 will do"?

    I always thought this little jab applied to authors as well.


    Hope this helps.
    John
    PS: Sorry for the large font - I have no idea how that happened



    Last edited by JohnParis; 13-Oct-2011 at 08:00. Reason: spacing

  4. rainous's Avatar
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      • Galician
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    #4

    Re: repeating words

    Thank you both for taking the time to comment on this thread.

    Much appreciated.

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