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  1. rainous's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Galician
      • Home Country:
      • Armenia
      • Current Location:
      • Antilles

    • Join Date: Jun 2011
    • Posts: 336
    #1

    rephrasing a wordy phrase

    "I believe the training skill sets I have developed and used in France will also prove to be useful in Canada as I wish to stay in the same line of work, working as either a personal trainer or a health instructor at a fitness center.

    It seems the underline phrase is a bit wordy and might need some help.
    But I don't know how. I just crammed in everything I wanted to say and it looks kind of wordy to me.

    Is the underlined part acceptable as it is or does it need rephrasing?

    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States

    • Join Date: Mar 2009
    • Posts: 3,505
    #2

    Re: rephrasing a wordy phrase

    Quote Originally Posted by rainous View Post
    "I believe the training and skill sets I have developed and usedapplied in France will also prove to be useful in Canada as I wish to stay in the same line of work, and I would like to continue working as either a personal trainer or a health instructor at a fitness center.

    It seems the underline phrase is a bit wordy and might need some help.
    But I don't know how. I just crammed in everything I wanted to say and it looks kind of wordy to me.

    Is the underlined part acceptable as it is or does it need rephrasing?
    I think the portion you underlined is important and needs to be stated as such. I would prefer that you delete the phrase I have indicated above along with some other minor changes/additions.

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