At last, I have to mention a staff of your hotel, Ms. Nancy. She provided a big surprise to my grandmother that she sang a song of my grandmother’s favorite songs. This song reminds my grandmother of good memories. Please convey to her my deep appreciation and we hope to hold the next party in your hotel. Thanks a lot.
The writing in blue is my student's and the one in red is mine. I have correced the obvious grammar mistakes in her exercise book. But I made many changes in mine because I think nearly almost my students perfer using simple words and sentence structure to write in order to avoid grammar mistakes. Actually, as a college student, his thought is so complicated that general words can not express him clearly and completely. I believe writing is thinking on paper. He need to use general or specific words, simple, compound or complex sentences alternately to write. And also he need to be conscious of the consistency of language style. Therefore, after I assign them a task of writing every time, I always write it on my own and post it on the Internet to revise and then present the revised version to demonstrate how to complete the task of writing.
Could you help me to check my version in terms of coherence and cohesion, vocabulary and sentence structure?
I would like to express my special thanks to a staff member, Ms. Smith. She wanted to surprised my grandmother and sang one of her favorite songs, The Last Dance at the party. Hearing the beautiful melody, all of us recalled the happy time we had and enjoyed the party very much. Please convey my deep appreciation on behalf of our whole family and we wish to hold another party in your hotel soon. Thanks a lot.
Last edited by ziawj2; 29-Oct-2011 at 14:31. Reason: tell viewers why I made so many changes
Thank you for your check. I wrote “a staff member” in another letter, and a Teacher also changed it to “one of staff members”. I think there is no grammar mistake. Could you tell me the subtle difference between the two phrases? And could I write “one of your hotel staff”?
. . . all of us recalled the happy time we had . . . / . . . all of us thought of the happy time we were having . . .
I’m sorry. I think that the two clauses express similar meaning, that is, we had happy time and when we heard Ms. Smith’s song at the party, we remembered it again. I do not know whether I understand it right or not. Could you make it more clearly?