When we entered the dining hall, we see a big golden "shou", very striking and read "ninety" on the wall. Many flowers in the party and the atmosphere was so joyous. The most impressive is the big birthday cake, like a peach, symbolized the longevity. I have never seen such a big cake. It is wonderful. I think all guests like it.
The writing in blue is my student's and the one in red is mine. I have correced the obvious grammar mistakes in her exercise book. But I made many changes in mine because I think nearly almost my students perfer using simple words and sentence structure to write in order to avoid grammar mistakes. Actually, as a college student, his thought is so complicated that general words can not express him clearly and completely. I believe writing is thinking on paper. He need to use general or specific words, simple, compound or complex sentences alternately to write. And also he need to be conscious of the consistency of language style. Therefore, after I assign them a task of writing every time, I always write it on my own and post it on the Internet to revise and then present the revised version to demonstrate how to complete the task of writing.
Could you help me to check my version in terms of coherence and cohesion, vocabulary and sentence structure?
When we entered the palatial dining hall, on the wall we saw a striking character “shou” rimmed with golden satin, and a large red Arabic numeral “ninety” below it. On every table there were flowers of various colors. In the middle of the hall, a peach-shaped birthday cake, symbolizing longevity, is particularly impressive because we have never seen such big one. A relaxed and joyful atmosphere prevails at the party.
In this part, I wanted to creat a joyful atmosphere.
Last edited by ziawj2; 29-Oct-2011 at 14:32. Reason: tell viewers why I made so many changes
When we entered the palatial dining hall, on the wall we saw a striking character “shou” rimmed with golden satin, and a large red Arabic numeral “ninety” (If it was a numeral use that form - 90) below it. On every table there were flowers of various colors. In the middle of the hall, a peach-shaped birthday cake, symbolizing longevity, is (not "is" - use the past tense, "was")particularly impressive because we have (had) never seen such (a) big one. A relaxed and joyful atmosphere prevails (prevailed - past tense) at the party.
I would make a few changes:
When we entered the palatial dining hall, we saw a striking character, "Shou", on the wall. It was rimmed with golden satin and there was a large red Arabic numeral 90 below it. There were flowers of various colors on every table. In the middle of the hall, a peach shaped birthday cake, symbolizing longevity, was particularly impressive because we had never seen such a big one. The atmosphere at the party was both joyful and relaxed.
In this part, I wanted to create a joyful atmosphere.