Changes in security procedures

[vectra]

Hello,

This is a memo submitted by one of my students:

To: All staff
From: Juan Carlos Sapertero
Date: 24th October
Subject: Changes in security procedures

As you know, we [STRIKE]faced with[/STRIKE] ran into some problems last month. Very important documents were stolen, [STRIKE]this situation damaged[/STRIKE] as a result our reputation has been damaged. We [STRIKE]were[/STRIKE] are forced to improve our security procedures.[STRIKE] not to get into trouble once more.[/STRIKE] Read the new rules please.

All staff will [STRIKE]have[/STRIKE]be issued special ID cards. You are [STRIKE]can[/STRIKE] [STRIKE]take it[/STRIKE] to collect them in [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] room №256[STRIKE], where you will meet security guards[/STRIKE]. These cards must be with you all time, as security will check ID on entry. [STRIKE]If somebody wants to visit you[/STRIKE]in case you have a visitor, you should [STRIKE]give them[/STRIKE] apply for a temporary ID card, as all visitors must be signed in/out. Don`t forget to lock offices when you [STRIKE]are[/STRIKE] leave[STRIKE]ing[/STRIKE] them! [STRIKE]Shake a leg, we must act as fast as possible.[/STRIKE]

If anyone has further questions about [STRIKE]above[/STRIKE] the new security procedure, my door is always open. [STRIKE]Don`t hesitate.[/STRIKE]

JC

What do you think about my corrections?

Thank you for the time and help.

 

[emsr2d2]

Hello,

This is a memo submitted by one of my students:

To: All staff
From: Juan Carlos Sapertero
Date: 24th October
Subject: Changes in security procedures

As you know, we [STRIKE]faced with[/STRIKE] ran into some problems last month. Very important documents were stolen, [STRIKE]this situation damaged[/STRIKE] as a result our reputation has been damaged. We [STRIKE]were[/STRIKE] are forced to improve our security procedures.[STRIKE] not to get into trouble once more.[/STRIKE] Read the new rules please.

All staff will [STRIKE]have[/STRIKE]be issued special ID cards. You are [STRIKE]can[/STRIKE] [STRIKE]take it[/STRIKE] collect them in [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] room №256[STRIKE], where you will meet security guards[/STRIKE]. These cards must be with you all time, as security will check ID on entry. [STRIKE]If somebody wants to visit you[/STRIKE]in case you have a visitor, you should [STRIKE]give them[/STRIKE] apply for a temporary ID card, as all visitors must be signed in/out. Don`t forget to lock offices when you [STRIKE]are[/STRIKE] leave[STRIKE]ing[/STRIKE] them! [STRIKE]Shake a leg, we must act as fast as possible.[/STRIKE]

If anyone has further questions about [STRIKE]above[/STRIKE] the new security procedure, my door is always open. [STRIKE]Don`t hesitate.[/STRIKE]

JC

What do you think about my corrections?

Thank you for the time and help.

Only a couple of different corrections I would have made. I have underlined the relevant parts, but to avoid confusion I haven't added my amendments above, they are below. My amendments are in red.

Very important documents were stolen and as a result our reputation has been damaged.

You can/must collect them [STRIKE]in[/STRIKE] from room №256

These cards must be kept with you at all times,

If anyone has further questions about the new security procedures,

 

[5jj]

Your amendments are, with one exception, an improvement on the original. However, in my opinion, you have sometimes appeared to suggest that the students's language should be changed to your version. If I had been correcting it, I might have done something like the version I have added below, and then given your version as a model.

As you know, we were faced with some problems last month. Very important documents were stolen, [STRIKE]this situation[/STRIKE] which damaged our reputation . We were are ('were' and 'have been' are correct; 'are' is not.) forced to improve our security procedures.[STRIKE] not to get into trouble once more.[/STRIKE](in order) to avoid further problems. Read the new rules please.

All staff will [STRIKE]have[/STRIKE]be issued ('have' is fine grammatically) special ID cards. You are [STRIKE]can[/STRIKE]('can' means something different from 'are to', but it is not incorrect as far as language is concerned) [STRIKE]take it[/STRIKE] to collect them in [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] room №256[STRIKE], where you will meet security guards[/STRIKE](That may be irrelevant, but it's grammatically correct). These cards must be with you all time, as security will check ID on entry. [STRIKE]If somebody wants to visit you[/STRIKE](the version you have deleted is not very formal, but it is grammatically acceptable) in case you have a visitor, you should [STRIKE]give them[/STRIKE] apply for(you are correcting the situation; the language is fine) a temporary ID card, as all visitors must be signed in/out. Don`t forget to lock offices when you [STRIKE]are[/STRIKE] leave[STRIKE]ing[/STRIKE] them! [STRIKE]Shake a leg, we must act as fast as possible.[/STRIKE]

If anyone has further questions about [STRIKE]above[/STRIKE] the new security procedure('the above' is stuffy, but would be acceptable), my door is always open. [STRIKE]Don`t hesitate.[/STRIKE]

I feel that by having grammar and less-than-best expressions corrected in the same way, the learner may become disheartened., and feel that they have little hope.

 

[emsr2d2]

I have to add that I find the fact that even with new security procedures the writer's door is always open, rather amusing! ;-)

 

[vectra]

Thank you very much indeed for your suggestions. This student, as well as her group-mates, have to work harder at English than they are doing now. At the end of the course there will be a final exam, and the strongest students will be picked up and continue studying in an advanced group, eventually completing their degree in Germany.
I can hardly dampen the student's interest in English as she always looks forward to native speakers' comments about her work.