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    • Join Date: Dec 2011
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    #1

    Can you help me come up with a good grabber?

    I'm writing a personal narration for my 8th grade language arts class and it starts like this:

    "“'Yes, we’re finally here!'” Alison said while our car traced the edges of the small gravel road like clockwork. “''We've been waiting for hours, got lost twice, and had to stop for directions two times.'” I whined. My dad gave me a sarcastically pitiful laugh under his breath, later muttering, “'You’re lucky we’re even here.'” At that note, my mom, dad, my little sister Erin, Katie, Alison, and I barged out of the car and walked on to the scorching, fiery gravel with the suns blistering hot rays beating down on our faces. Our parents got out a moment or two later to respond by saying to “'Get the beach bag out of the trunk',” and my mom added, “'Help your father grab the other stuff, too.” We helped without delay, not wanting to upset her again. Our departure wasn’t the smoothes. We took all that we could manage to handle and entered my aunts’ beach house" - That's my first paragraph. I know it's kinda long... but I thought it could help.

    Please help if you can!
    any attempt is appreciated!

    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • American English
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      • United States
      • Current Location:
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    • Join Date: Apr 2009
    • Posts: 12,307
    #2

    Re: Can you help me come up with a good grabber?

    Welcome to the forum.

    A few comments:

    I don't think clocks trace edges of gravel roads, so I don't think that metaphor works.

    "Getting lost" and "having to stop for directions" are basically the same thing, aren't they? You could just say that "you had to stop for directions" and it would be understood that you were lost.

    "On that note" is the expression, not "at that note."

    If you say "dad" you need to capitalize it. If you say "my dad" you don't. Your list as written, should be "my mom, Dad, ..."

    Erin is your little sister, but you don't identify Kate or Allison.

    I don't think people usually "barge" out of cars. Spilled out, maybe.

    It is the "sun's rays." Possessive uses an apostrophe.

    You say your parents got out to "respond" but it is not clear what they are responding to.

    I believe you mean "smoothest."

    How many aunts own the beach house? As written, it must be more than one.

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