This piece is a bit too long for us to deal with in this section, where we generally deal with individual, specific questions.
You will probably get more feedback if you post it in the "Editing and Writing Topics" secion, instead of "Ask a Teacher".
My second piece of advice would be to correct your title when you repost. It should read:
"Please check my grammar"
We normally politely ask that you not put things like "URGENT PRIORITY". Everyone here is a volunteer, helping in their free time and we do what we can, when we can.
Edit: I see that you have moved it (or it has been moved for you) to the correct section.