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  1. #1

    Question Can you help me with my statement of purpose?

    This is a part of my statement of purpose.
    I appreciate it if you could make it better and more native.
    Thx!

    ---
    Previous Paragraphs are omitted.
    ---

    Research brings me the measureless joy and pride. Thus, I want to continue my research in a higher level, aspiring to become somebody in the area of polymer materials. A Ph.D is the essential and crucial conjunction between my past achievements and my future progress and an opportunity to make an impact and leave a treasure behind for my country and the academia. I hope to take this important step at The Ohio State University.

    I have a couple of reasons for choosing OSU. First, Chemical Engineering at OSU has a long history for more than 100 years, which provides a profound foundation in advanced research. Second, polymer research to which I am devoted has been a focused effort at Ohio State for more than three decades. Ohio State University Polymer Consortium (OSUPC), an important part of the Center of Materials Research (CMR), as well as CAPCE can lead my research to a further level. In OSU, I can find a magnificent polymer world to which I am aspired. Last but not least, the research areas of polymer science in OSU, especially in polymer biomaterials, polymer based membrane separations, and synthesis of novel materials, are quiet interesting to me. Thus, I hope to work closely with Prof. L. James Lee, Prof. Stuart Cooper, Prof. Winston Ho and Prof. James Rathman who conduct the most attractive researches to me.

    I know that there are full of challenges and opportunities on the way to my dream, but all these will fuel my passion and prick me on exploring the unknown in polymer science and chemical engineering.

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    #2

    Re: Can you help me with my statement of purpose?

    Research brings me the measureless joy and pride.- This sounds too emotional to me, I'd say something like 'I derive great satisfaction and pride from research'
    continue my research in a higher level- at a higher level
    aspiring to become somebody- too colloquial- to become involved...
    leave a treasure behind for my country- too strong- build a heritage for my country
    I have a couple of reasons- number of reasons
    has a long history for more than 100 years- has a history stretching back over a hundred years
    magnificent polymer world to which I am aspired- cutting-edge work in the filed of polymers
    most attractive researches- research
    prick me on exploring- urge me on to explore

    I have suggested some alternatives. I would say that this text sounds over the top and too colloquial so I have suggested more formal possibilities.

  3. #3

    Re: Can you help me with my statement of purpose?

    Thank you very much, tdol!


    You say "over the top".
    Do you mean my motivation is too strong or somewhat ivory-towered?
    Last edited by bandgxy; 20-Nov-2005 at 08:59.

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    #4

    Re: Can you help me with my statement of purpose?

    I think the way you express the motivation sounds a bit too much like spoken language and sounds over-enthusiastic. It's a matter of style- I understand you want them to know how enthusiastic you are, but the tone sounds excessive and makes it appear a bit informal.

    Good luck with your application.

  5. #5

    Re: Can you help me with my statement of purpose?

    This is another institution into which I am going to apply for the admission.
    The following is the reasons why I chooce it.
    I am puzzeled how to organize the reasons by using conjuctions properly.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I have a number of reasons for my choice. Above all, UNC-Chapel Hill is an energetic community of students, scholars, researchers and scientists. (How to connect the previous sentence and the follow one) Chapel Hill is a new center of scientific research and industry. Moreover, Dept. of Chemistry in UNC-CH has a solid foundation and a long tradition of innovation in all the fields of chemistry. The new UNC Institue of Advanced Materials (IAM) and new building "Science Complex" provide graduate students a more exciting environment to conduct their research. Last but not least, at UNC-CH, I can find a cutting-edge work in the field of polymer materials to which I am aspired, especially in design and synthesis of novel materials and application of these materials. I hope to work closely with Prof. Joseph DeSimone, Prof. Edward Samulski and Prof. Valerie Sheares Ashby in the area of polymer materials. All these above make UNC-CH the most attractive place of research to me. (Use superlative degree or not?)
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Does it sound over-enthusiastic this time? How to avoid such expression? Does it depend on how I use the adjectives?

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    #6

    Re: Can you help me with my statement of purpose?

    energetic community- lively?
    (How to connect the previous sentence and the follow one)- here you could use moreover/what is more/ in addition/ etc
    all the fields of chemistry- I wouldn't use the article
    new building "Science Complex"- do we need building? If so, put it bafter the name
    a cutting-edge work- no article
    I am aspired- I aspire
    (Use superlative degree or not?)- yes
    All these above- All these reasons/ all the above reasons
    It sounds better- the choice of adjectives is very important and this sounds keen and has the right tone for me.


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    #7

    Re: Can you help me with my statement of purpose?

    Quote Originally Posted by bandgxy View Post
    This is a part of my statement of purpose.
    I appreciate it if you could make it better and more native.
    Thx!

    ---
    Previous Paragraphs are omitted.
    ---

    Research brings me the measureless joy and pride. Thus, I want to continue my research in a higher level, aspiring to become somebody in the area of polymer materials. A Ph.D is the essential and crucial conjunction between my past achievements and my future progress and an opportunity to make an impact and leave a treasure behind for my country and the academia. I hope to take this important step at The Ohio State University.

    I have a couple of reasons for choosing OSU. First, Chemical Engineering at OSU has a long history for more than 100 years, which provides a profound foundation in advanced research. Second, polymer research to which I am devoted has been a focused effort at Ohio State for more than three decades. Ohio State University Polymer Consortium (OSUPC), an important part of the Center of Materials Research (CMR), as well as CAPCE can lead my research to a further level. In OSU, I can find a magnificent polymer world to which I am aspired. Last but not least, the research areas of polymer science in OSU, especially in polymer biomaterials, polymer based membrane separations, and synthesis of novel materials, are quiet interesting to me. Thus, I hope to work closely with Prof. L. James Lee, Prof. Stuart Cooper, Prof. Winston Ho and Prof. James Rathman who conduct the most attractive researches to me.

    I know that there are full of challenges and opportunities on the way to my dream, but all these will fuel my passion and prick me on exploring the unknown in polymer science and chemical engineering.
    hello bandgxy!!

    well i have done my graduation in rubber technology and want to go USA for MS in polymer technology. i don't know where to go,can you suggest me some good unis?? which are good at academics, and providing excellent facalities !!waiting for reply!!

    scifi

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