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  1. Newbie
    Student or Learner
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Arabic
      • Home Country:
      • Egypt
      • Current Location:
      • Egypt

    • Join Date: Mar 2012
    • Posts: 1
    #1

    Post more than urgent

    can any one please correct my motivation letter

    Dear sir /Madam:
    I appreciate the opportunity to provide further background in support of my application for
    That is scholarship it is a great chance to express myself and be part of change that is occurring in society .

    My hope that to join to that scholarship to discover new cultures, communities and new ways to learn .

    My dream is simple but I think it's also deeply, just to see my country and my society better and contribute in the development . I want to be part of changing and the most of ideas around me ,I think it is more important for me than be accepted in that scholarship, but I hope to give me a chance to achieve that through you and to be the reason that pushed me forward

    Really , I do not want be the perfect idol girl that follow the rules any more that stated for THE GIRL CAN NOT TRAVEL ALONE .
    Actually, It is my first time that I will travel outside the Arabian Countries . So , help me please to discover the world and think out of the box .
    Because of love , change and passion I want be part of your community .
    Yours sincerely
    Yara A-Mowgod

  2. moonlike's Avatar
    Member
    English Teacher
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Persian
      • Home Country:
      • Iran
      • Current Location:
      • Iran

    • Join Date: Mar 2012
    • Posts: 460
    #2

    Re: more than urgent

    Quote Originally Posted by yara A-mowgod View Post
    can any one please correct my motivation letter

    Dear sir/Madam:
    I appreciate the opportunity to provide further background in support of my application for ………………………
    The scholarship is a great chance to express myself and be part of the change that is occurring in the society.

    I
    hope to get that scholarship to discover new cultures, communities and new ways to learn.

    My dream is simple but I think it's also deep, just to see my country and my society better and make a contribution to the development. I want to be part of the change and new ideas around me, I think it is more important for me than getting that scholarship, but I hope to have a chance to achieve it through you and to be the reason that pushed me forward.

    Really, I do not want be the perfect ideal girl that follows the rules any more.The rules like the one that was stated as THE GIRL CAN NOT TRAVEL ALONE .
    Actually, it is the first time that I travel outside the Arabian Countries. So, help me please to discover the world and think outside the box .
    Because of love, change and passion I want to be part of your community .
    Yours sincerely,
    Yara A-Mowgod
    Good luck. For sure it needs to be proofread more. My other dear colleagues will give you a hand.

  3. emsr2d2's Avatar
    Moderator
    English Teacher
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • UK
      • Current Location:
      • UK

    • Join Date: Jul 2009
    • Posts: 57,611
    #3

    Re: more than urgent

    I'm afraid I don't have time to do the whole piece at the moment, but I would like to point out that "... be part of the change that is happening in society" is correct (you don't need to say "in the society").

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