I am rather concerned about this, your first post. According to your profile you are an English teacher. As you can see above, I have marked in red the errors in your own writing and that is why I have not even started on your pupil's work.
If you are not good enough at English to look at a pupil's piece of work and find the errors in it, how are you going to teach your pupils better English? If you cannot spot the basic errors in your own piece (ie your non-capitalisation of the word "I") then you should not be analysing other people's work.
As for the "tqvm" at the end of your post, I can only assume that it is a very strange attempt at some kind of text speak abbreviation meaning "thank you very much". Please note that we don't use non-standard English on this site. Learners need to see correctly written words, punctuation and capitalisation at all times, especially from teachers.