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  1. AlexAD's Avatar
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    #1

    Please, proofread a tiny story

    Hello.

    I have made up this story mostly using entries from the OALD, and I would be grateful if you could correct any mistakes you might spot in this little story. Thank you very much in advance. Here is the story:

    Once a policeman stopped me asking to blow into the breathalyser. Thinking a little, I lit a cigarette, drew on it and blew out a stream of smoke into the device. The policeman rounded his eyes but didn't say anything. The wind was growing and finally blew the policeman's cap. He ran after it blowing his whistle.

  2. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Please, proofread a tiny story

    Quote Originally Posted by AlexAD View Post
    Hello.

    I have made up this story mostly using entries from the OALD, and I would be grateful if you could correct any mistakes you might spot in this little story. Thank you very much in advance. Here is the story:

    Once a policeman stopped me asking to blow into the breathalyser.
    I don't think this means what you want it to. What you have written means that you were asking if it was possible for you to blow into a breathalyser and a policeman stopped you from asking. Perhaps you mean "Once, a policeman stopped me and asked me to blow into a breathalyser".

    Thinking a little, I lit a cigarette, drew on it and blew out a stream of smoke into the device.
    Perhaps "After thinking for a moment". Also, in BrE we say "took a drag on it". I would not use "blew out", I would simply use "blew".

    The policeman rounded his eyes but didn't say anything.
    "To round one's eyes" isn't used much colloquially. I would say something like "The policeman's eyes widened [in surprise]..."

    The wind was growing and finally blew the policeman's cap.
    We don't usually refer to the wind "growing". I would say "The wind was getting stronger". You need a phrasal verb for the wind's effect on the cap. Maybe "... finally blew the policeman's hat off". We also normally use "hat" or "helmet" in BrE, not "cap" (for a policeman).

    He ran after it blowing his whistle.
    This is grammatically correct although I'm not sure why a policeman would blow his whistle while running after a runaway hat. The hat isn't going to stop on its own!

    Please see my comments and suggestions above. If I may say so, the story doesn't make a lot of sense. It doesn't say why the policeman stopped you and asked you to take a breath test. I have no idea why you would blow smoke into a breathalyser after thinking about it briefly. I cannot see any connection between the breathalyser part of the story and the wind then getting strong enough to blow his hat off. And finally, any policeman who didn't want to get fired would not stop in the middle of an alcohol breath test to run after his hat.

  3. AlexAD's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: Please, proofread a tiny story

    Thank you, emsr2d2, for your comments.

    Actually, this story wasn't supposed to make much sense but instead being somewhat bright (that basically means unreal) to be better memorizable. I rather concentrated on using the verb blow in various aspects in this story.

  4. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: Please, proofread a tiny story

    Quote Originally Posted by AlexAD View Post
    Thank you, emsr2d2, for your comments.

    Actually, this story wasn't supposed to make much sense but instead being somewhat bright (that basically means unreal) to be better memorizable. I rather concentrated on using the verb blow in various aspects in this story.
    1) Why do you think that "bright" means "unreal"?
    2) I actually hadn't noticed that you had used phrases involving "blow" on purpose!
    3) Even though you only wrote it to make it easy to memorise, I think it would still be better, if you're going to do it like that, to memorise a story that actually makes sense.

  5. sumon.'s Avatar
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    #5

    Re: Please, proofread a tiny story

    He ran after it blowing his whistle.
    This is grammatically correct although I'm not sure why a policeman would blow his whistle while running after a runaway hat. The hat isn't going to stop on its own!
    Maybe it was a comedy and he was a comedian policeman.

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