I need to get my essay evaluated and graded

[a_elshafie30000]

hello

I am about to take the IELTS academic in two weeks and i need help as i keep practicing but i dont know if am on the right track, so if any body can help me and to show me my points of weakness, it will be appreciated.

Task2: Today our communications, medicine and transport systems all depend on computer technology. Our reliance on computer technology has created a dangerous situation.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?


My answer 40 mins:

There is no doubt that we depends most of the time on computers to get our work done. Our life is completely different now , what we used to do in hours, can just be done in few minutes now days, all the gratitude goes to computers. Ofcourse computers might have negative effect on our life style, but nobody can deny their benefits.


When we take a closer look on the effects of computers and how they affected our life, we can see that our social life has been completely changed, that is a result of the new computerized communication devices we are using at the present time. People no longer visit each other, because they can just check on their friends and relatives by scheduling a call to a given person on their mobile phone's calendar. Furthermore, scientists are depending on advanced computer software to develop new medicines and to solve difficult chemical equations instead of using their own analytical skills, that leads to suppressing their creativity.


However, our life gained a lot of benefits from computers. We can find computers in every single house, that gave our children the opportunity to get better education since they can use computer programs to develop their learning capabilities. In-addition, computers are giving a boost for the research and development of new medications, it gave the scientists the opportunity to focus and concentrate on the invention of new medicines. beside this, computers became of great help in heart surgeries, as robots are doing those critical surgeries with no chance of error, unlike the human doctors.


To conclude, computers since their invention are enhancing our life, also they are helping us to conquer the obstacles that we might have in our lives. when we compare the benefits of computers to it's drawbacks, we will find that the advantages really exceeds and surpass the disadvantages.

 

[aburisha]

hello

I am about to take the IELTS academic in two weeks and i need help as i keep practicing but i dont know if am on the right track, so if any body can help me and to show me my points of weakness, it will be appreciated.

Task2: Today our communications, medicine and transport systems all depend on computer technology. Our reliance on computer technology has created a dangerous situation.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?


My answer 40 mins:

There is no doubt that we depends most of the time on computers to get our work done. Our life is completely different now , what we used to do in hours, can just be done in few minutes nowadays. All the gratitude goes to computers. Of course, computers might have negative effects on our life style, but nobody can deny their benefits.


((There is a problem with the introduction. You should guide us through that introduction to the reasons why reliance on computers has created a dangerous situation. You need als to state here if you agree/disagree/partially agree and disagree with that opinion))

When we take a closer look on the effects of computers and how they affected our lives, we can see that our social life has been completely changed, as a result of the new computerized communication devices we are using at the present time. People no longer visit each other, because they can just check on their friends and relatives by scheduling a call to a given person on their mobile phone's calendar. Furthermore, scientists are depending on advanced computer software to develop new medicines and to solve difficult chemical equations instead of using their own analytical skills, that leads to suppressing their creativity.


However, our life gained a lot of benefits from computers. We can find computers in every single house, which gave our children the opportunity to get better education since they can use computer programs to develop their learning capabilities. In-addition, computers are giving a boost for the research and development of new medications. It gave the scientists the opportunity to focus and concentrate on the invention of new medicines. Besides, computers have become very helpful in heart surgeries, as robots are doing those critical surgeries with no chance of error, unlike the human doctors.


((Focus = concentrate. Use only one word. Avoid such unnecessary repetitions))

To conclude, computers since their invention are enhancing our life, also they are helping us to conquer the obstacles that we might have in our lives. when we compare the benefits of computers to it's drawbacks, we will find that the advantages really exceeds and surpass the disadvantages.

((Rephrase the conclusion to mainly give your point of view regarding: OUr reliance on computers.))

Good luck.

 

[a_elshafie30000]

Thanks for the very useful tips and the rapid response.

I just got one question, Should I mention my opinion in the introduction or in the last paragraph or in both?.