[Essay] satisfy my desire

[Ashiuhto]

Would anyone like to check the following paragraph for me? Thanks for your help.

All areas in the Puppetry Art Center are great. Among them, I love the Glove Puppet area the most because I’ve been loving watching glove puppet shows since I was a child. In this area, I can try my hand at wielding a glove puppet, so that I can satisfy my desire to perform. Besides, the exhibition area illuminates the different forms of glove puppetry stages, the process of making puppet heads, their elaborately embroidered costumes, the instruments that are played backstage, and more. It leads me in an exploration of the world of puppets.

 

[BobK]

Would anyone like to check the following paragraph for me? Thanks for your help.

All areas in the Puppetry Art Center are great. Among them, I love the Glove Puppet area the most because I’ve [STRIKE]been loving[/STRIKE] LOVED watching glove puppet shows since I was a child. In this area, I can try my hand [STRIKE]at wielding[/STRIKE] WITH a glove puppet, so that I can satisfy my desire to perform [OMIT?]. Besides [? Apart from this'?], the exhibition area illuminates ['throws/sheds light on'?] the different forms of glove puppetry stages, the process of making puppet heads, their elaborately embroidered costumes, the instruments that are played [DO YOU MEAN 'used'?] backstage, and more. It leads me in an exploration of the world of puppets.

I'm not entirely at ease with the insistent first person, but that's a question of personal taste.

'Wielding' doesn't collocate with 'glove puppet' - unless you're using the glove puppet as a weapon (as here ).

I think 'Besides' sounds a bit adversative - like 'But'.

Are the 'instruments'' musical instruments? If so, 'used' is right.

b

 

[Ashiuhto]

I rewrite the paragraph as following. Are the paragraph and the underlined part acceptable?

All areas in the Puppetry Art Center are great. Among them, I love the Glove Puppet area the most because I’ve loved watching glove puppet shows since I was a child. In this area, I can try my hand with a glove puppet to satisfy my performance desire. Apart from this, the exhibition area throws light on the different forms of glove puppetry stages, the process of making puppet heads, their elaborately embroidered costumes, the instruments that are used backstage, and more. It leads me in an exploration of the world of puppets.

 

[BobK]

To my eye it's OK, except for the underlined words. The original was if anything better. Perhaps the important thing for you is that you get to use a glove puppet in a real puppet theatre (rather than just in mid-air). If that's the case, you need something like 'I get to use a glove puppet in a real theatre'; I don't think possible readers will be interested in the satisfaction of your desire to perform! [But I don't really like the expression I've suggested.]

b