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    #1

    Need comments on this sentence please

    Hello,

    Can you please have a look at the following sentence for me?

    "But when his dad sat down on the couch that night, took the first bite and said, “Outstanding! The best brownie ever!”, Howie never looked prouder."


    1. Does the sentence make sense?
    2. Is it too long and diffidult to understand with the part in the quotation marks?
    3. Is there a way to improve this sentence?

    Thank you.

    Nawee

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    #2

    Re: Need comments on this sentence please

    Quote Originally Posted by naweewra View Post
    Hello,

    Can you please have a look at the following sentence for me?

    "But when his dad sat down on the couch that night, took the first bite and said, “Outstanding! The best brownie ever!”, Howie never looked prouder."


    1. Does the sentence make sense?
    2. Is it too long and diffidult to understand with the part in the quotation marks?
    3. Is there a way to improve this sentence?

    Thank you.

    Nawee

    Yes it makes sense. No, I don't think it's too long or difficult to understand. Small changes I would make.

    "But when his dad sat on the couch that night, took the first bite and said, “Outstanding! The best brownie ever!”, Howie beamed with pride."

    You don't need to include 'down' as it's implied when saying 'sat'.
    I feel saying 'beamed with pride' is more natural than saying 'never looked prouder'. Either would work though.

    Not a teacher....Yet

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    #3

    Re: Need comments on this sentence please

    NOT A TEACHER


    1. I think that every writer has his/her own style. As the other posters have said, you have written a very nice

    sentence.

    2. It is only my opinion that the following order would work better for me:

    But Howie never looked prouder than when his dad sat down on the couch that night, took the first bite and

    exclaimed: ""Outstanding! The best brownie ever!"

    (I wanted to end the sentence with those quotations. To my way of thinking -- only -- it is more emphatic.)


    James

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