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Thread: From Japan

  1. Newbie
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    #1

    From Japan

    To tell the truth, I am a completely new here and I have not understand yet how to ask. But I am in need of help and I would be grateful if you help me check my text.
    I am preparing for TOEFL . Thanks in advance!


    I totally agree with this statement that sometimes it is better not to tell the truth.
    I ll give the following two reasons why I do so.

    Telling the truth is one of the important factor among the people to maintain and improve mutual trust. our relationship with our family, friends is mostly based on trust. But I would like to give one example that I have experienced by myself.
    Some years ago my aunt contracted uncurable disease .

    I visited her and get shocked by her appearance.She was almost reduced to skin and bones. But she had a hope of getting well as nobody could not dare to say she wouldn`t recover. My aunt asked me how she looked .. I answered quickly that she looked quite well and I saw a smile on her face. It was transparent lie , but I realized that if I have said the truth, her poor health might have deteriorated . So, telling the truth is not always the right way, It can hurt somebody, even may cause tragic result.


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    #2

    Re: From Japan

    I fully agree with the statement that sometimes it is better not to tell the truth.
    I’ll give the following two reasons for my agreement.

    Telling the truth is one of the most important factors in maintaining and improving mutual trust in society. Our relationship with our family and friends is largely based on trust, but I would like to give one example that I have personally experienced which is an exception.
    A few years ago, my aunt contracted an incurable disease.
    I saw her and was shocked by her appearance; she had been reduced to skin and bones. Yet she had hope of recovery, and no one could muster the strength to tell her otherwise. My aunt asked me how she looked, and I quickly answered that she looked quite healthy and she smiled. It was a blatant lie, but I realized that if I had spoken the truth, her poor health might have deteriorated even further. So, telling the truth is not always the right option; it can hurt somebody, and may even cause tragic result.

    here is some editing I performed.
    Notes about my choices to help with your TOEFL study:

    1. totally -> fully. Fully sounds more appropriate. It wasn't wrong. Completely could have also worked, but again, fully is more standard.

    2. this -> the. this points to a statement, acting like an ellipsis and doesn't require you to explicitly state the statement in question. It is implied that both parties understand the argument. If you are going to give the statement with the relative clause that, then the is more appropriate.

    3. why i do so -> for my agreement. You want to be specific and concrete. why i do soisn't exact. It's wishy-washy, like you are dancing around. Say the exact words.

    4. one of the important -> one of the most important. You could have written: Telling the truth is an important factor. But since you chose one of the, most gives the subject, and thus your argument, more weight. It also sounds natural to a native English speaker who has become used to hyperbole.

    5. among the people to maintain and improve mutual trust -> in maintaining and improving mutual trust in society. Here, society is more concise and the appropriate diction for the tone of the essay. I also moved it to the end so that we know that the important factor is about maintaining and improving mutal trust and not about society.

    6. our family, friends -> family and friends. Pretty simple why you need the conjunction.
    7. mostly -> largely. Again, diction. It sounds better and the word largely is better for measurement.

    which is an exception -> I added this because you are going to give an example which contradicts the fact that you "totally agree with the statement." You totally don't because you are about to disagree. That is another reason why "totally" "fully" at the start should not be used. Use a word that says almost but not quite.

    8. Some -> A few. Again, some means few, so why not use the more exact word which implies 2, maybe 3, maybe 4.
    9. spelling.
    10. visited -> saw. I visited hersounds awkward. Visited can be used but the sentence structure would have be changed to avoid that awkwardness.
    11. get -> was. You were wrong to use get.
    12. was almost -> had been. More exact, and more powerful. Was almost gives the impression that you can't make up your mind. Say what you mean and avoid words that give uncertainty and make you sound unsure of what you saw.

    13. But -> Yet. Yetmeans that despite her condition she had hope. Butimplies that you want to contrast with something and that is not what you are trying to do. It kind of does the job, but why half ass it? Choose the proper word. But would have worked if you were contrasting body parts like say, her bright eyes or something more readily comparable. Nevertheless could also have worked.

    14. nobody could not dare to say she wouldn`t recover -> could muster the strength to tell her otherwise. First, it is wrong syntactically. Second, you have way too many negatives: nobody, could not, would not. I tend to say as much in the positive as possible. It sounds better.

    15. quickly. I put it ahead of the action so that instead of imagining it twice: Answered. Wait, it was quicker than that, mind you. We only have to picture it once.

    16. well -> healthy. Again, concrete and appropriate diction. Well has far too many connotation. You can look well after sickness or after an emotionally traumatic event. Healthy paints one picture.

    17. Smile on her face -> she smiled. Where else would her smile be? On her legs? Eliminate cluttering words. Avoid stuff like "her nose smelled" "her eyes saw" etc.

    18. transparent lie -> blatant lie. Technically, transparent can work. I just like blatant.
    19. way -> option. Again, word choice. way can imply way too many things.
    20. even may -> may even. This was syntax.
    Last edited by moeb8; 15-Dec-2012 at 13:27.

  3. 5jj's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: From Japan

    Most of moeb8's changes are OK from a stylistic point of view. However, from a purely 'acceptable language' point of view, fewer changes are needed.
    Quote Originally Posted by taro xon View Post
    I totally agree with this the statement that sometimes it is better not to tell the truth.
    I'll give the following two reasons why I do so.

    Telling the truth is one of the important factors among the people toin maintaining and improveing mutual trust. oOur relationship with our family, and friends is mostly based on trust. But I would like to give one example of an exception that I have experienced by myself..
    Some years ago my aunt contracted an uincurable disease .

    I visited her and get was shocked by her appearance.She was almost reduced to almost skin and bones. But she had a hopes of getting well as nobody could not dared to say she wouldn`t recover. My aunt asked me how she looked . I quickly answered quickly that she looked quite well and I saw a smile on her face. It was a transparent lie , but I realized that if I have had said told the truth, her poor health might have deteriorated . So, telling the truth is not always the right way thing,; It can hurt somebody, and may even may cause a tragic result.



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