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  1. Marina Gaidar's Avatar
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    #1

    This war will be devastating, and when the end finds us, we will weep over the ruins

    Again speaking about historical + fantastical text, does this passage sound natural: "This all is just another step in the great plan. It has always been like this. When we start taking everything we have for granted, we are stripped of all. When we stop being thankful for the paradise we are shown what the hell is. This war will be devastating, and when the end finds us, we will weep over the ruins of our world"?

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    #2

    Re: This war will be devastating, and when the end finds us, we will weep over the ru

    (Not a teacher, just a fan of fantasy literature.)

    Sounds like a native speaker's rough draft, with one exception. I'd make these edits for clarity.

    > This all is > This is all -or- All this is
    "This all" sounds slightly non-standard. There are native dialects that use it, and it's not unclear. But it makes me pause for a moment.

    > It has always been like this.
    Uses too many words for too little meaning. Delete and re-read to see if you miss it.

    > start ... stop
    Slightly weak. It's better to phrase without these words, and the "when" already creates the hypothetical mood.

    > taking everything we have for granted, we are stripped of all
    "Everything ... all" creates a strange parallel. I start by thinking about "everything," then you add a qualifier, then you're talking about "all" but I'm not sure how broad "all" is.

    Better to do this: Use "what" so I expect a relative clause from the beginning. And tie back to the same referent with "it."

    > When we take what we have for granted, we lose it all.

    >paradise we
    Clearer with the comma between clauses.

    >the paradise > this paradise
    A native speaker might confuse "the" and "this" here. "This" creates better rhythm (I think) for two reasons:

    1 - "the" often introduces a noun modified by a relative clause. So I hear "the paradise [which] we are shown."

    2 - "this," compared to "the," tells your reader to try a little harder to identify what you're talking about. Since "this paradise" contrasts with "what we have," the extra clarity and mental stress is valuable.

    > the hell > hell
    A native speaker probably wouldn't make this mistake.

    Thus:
    > When we are not thankful for this paradise, we are shown what hell is.

    > This war will be devastating, and when the end finds us, we will weep over the ruins of our world

    Sounds natural to me. If the concept of "war" has been introduced already, "the war" may flow a little better. Again, it's a question of rhythm and what ideas you want to stress.

  3. Marina Gaidar's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: This war will be devastating, and when the end finds us, we will weep over the ru

    Quote Originally Posted by Joe Rodrigues View Post
    (Not a teacher, just a fan of fantasy literature.)

    Sounds like a native speaker's rough draft, with one exception. I'd make these edits for clarity.

    > This all is > This is all -or- All this is
    "This all" sounds slightly non-standard. There are native dialects that use it, and it's not unclear. But it makes me pause for a moment.

    > It has always been like this.
    Uses too many words for too little meaning. Delete and re-read to see if you miss it.

    > start ... stop
    Slightly weak. It's better to phrase without these words, and the "when" already creates the hypothetical mood.

    > taking everything we have for granted, we are stripped of all
    "Everything ... all" creates a strange parallel. I start by thinking about "everything," then you add a qualifier, then you're talking about "all" but I'm not sure how broad "all" is.

    Better to do this: Use "what" so I expect a relative clause from the beginning. And tie back to the same referent with "it."

    > When we take what we have for granted, we lose it all.

    >paradise we
    Clearer with the comma between clauses.

    >the paradise > this paradise
    A native speaker might confuse "the" and "this" here. "This" creates better rhythm (I think) for two reasons:

    1 - "the" often introduces a noun modified by a relative clause. So I hear "the paradise [which] we are shown."

    2 - "this," compared to "the," tells your reader to try a little harder to identify what you're talking about. Since "this paradise" contrasts with "what we have," the extra clarity and mental stress is valuable.

    > the hell > hell
    A native speaker probably wouldn't make this mistake.

    Thus:
    > When we are not thankful for this paradise, we are shown what hell is.

    > This war will be devastating, and when the end finds us, we will weep over the ruins of our world

    Sounds natural to me. If the concept of "war" has been introduced already, "the war" may flow a little better. Again, it's a question of rhythm and what ideas you want to stress.
    I found every of your comments very useful! Thanks! My text looks positively better now! If I can say it like this I'm not a native speaker, of course, but I try to do my best to learn English. May be I can sometimes ask you some questions connected with my works? I write fantasy in Russian and I try to translate it into English, so your help would be valuable! If you don't mind, of course.

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    #4

    Re: This war will be devastating, and when the end finds us, we will weep over the ru

    This sort of text would be better posted in the Editing & Writing Topics forum, Marina.

    Rover

  4. Marina Gaidar's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: This war will be devastating, and when the end finds us, we will weep over the ru

    Quote Originally Posted by Rover_KE View Post
    This sort of text would be better posted in the Editing & Writing Topics forum, Marina.

    Rover
    Oh! Thanks I didn't know about that forum I will use it now.

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