to become better at written English, I wrote several paragraphs of a story. No big idea, just a scene. Could you please take a look at it and share any corrections and suggestions?
Danny stood in the doorway and tried to grasp the situation. The man he had spoken with over phone stood next to the window, staring outside. His grey business suit contrasted with the colorful dragon tattoo on the back of his bald head. His grunt sat in the armchair, a gun resting in his lap. Danny could feel that he is watching him very closely even though he couldn't see his eyes through dark shades. He immediately felt a strong aversion to him.
He stood there for what felt like eternity without making a sound. The two men didn't move. He could feel a trickle of sweat running down his spine.
"Thank you for coming so promptly," the bald dragon interrupted the tense silence.
"Seemed like I didn't have much of a choice, right?"
"Why don't you sit down so we can discuss our... business?" turned the man away from the window. His lack of accent was in a stern contrast with the Chinese features of the face looking at him. The man's left earlobe was missing and Danny felt uneasy about it.
"Seems like I don't have much of a choice either. Right?"
The grunt in the armchair was obviously waiting for a wrong move. Danny could sense that he enjoys causing pain in others.
The bald dragon pointed towards an empty armchair just before he sat on the third one. The bodyguard stood up and took a place in front of the door, his back turned to the door, closing it. He put his gun in a holster under his jacket.
From across the conference table, Danny could watch the man's face in greater detail. He looked young but his eyes seemed wrong. They didn't match his face or voice. Something was off about this guy.
"Motivation," he said, leaning back, "is a curious thing. What motivates you, Mr. Wade?"
Before Danny could think of an answer that didn't sound completely stupid, the bald dragon continued: "Most people are motivated by their own selfish interests. Either they are pursuing a profit for themselves or preventing a loss."
Danny figured he wasn't expecting an answer.
"The most valuable assets of most people are lives. Their own lives and those of their families. Now, Mr. Wade, are you motivated by preventing the loss of the lives of your family?"
What I'm particularly interested in:
- Any missing or extra articles (I tend to forget them and use them where not necessary).
- There are many pronouns in the first paragraph (maybe in others too but it bothers me in the first one). He, his, him all over. Does it look right to a native speaker? Can this be avoided?
- Using a "nickname" from someone's description to refer to a person - in this case it might be Bald Dragon (as his name), but using "the bald dragon" without capitals seems more derogatory (from Danny's perspective). Is my feeling for this correct?
- The bald eagle speech - is it compatible with the way an uber-villain would talk to the poor main character (who should crush him in the end, I guess)?
- Any other things that don't sound natural or are just wrong.
Thank you very much.
Student or Learner