Could you check my scholarship statement of purpose, please ??

[Tsuri]

So here's my scholarship statement of purpose , I'm going to apply for medicine so it's based on that. I [STRIKE]still[/STRIKE] [STRIKE]didn't close[/STRIKE] haven't finalised it yet though.


Two years ago I graduated from high school. I was full of excitement and ambition to start my university studies, and since it will be my first year of education in my home country (Sudan), I was even more excited. My desire was to study medicine, so I studied hard and got good results [STRIKE]that[/STRIKE] which qualified me to enter [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] medical school in Sudan. I [STRIKE]got the[/STRIKE] gained admission but unfortunately I couldn't [STRIKE]catch the semester[/STRIKE] start studying there immediately, [STRIKE]and that was for[/STRIKE] due to circumstances beyond my [STRIKE]will[/STRIKE] control.

One year later I applied [STRIKE]for[/STRIKE] to the local university – University of Tabuk - KSA. I started studying the preparatory year [STRIKE]putting[/STRIKE] when my main goal [STRIKE]is[/STRIKE] was to achieve my ambition. In this year we studied the following subjects: Biology, Physics, Mathematics, Chemistry, English and Computer Science, all in English. [STRIKE]language[/STRIKE] I finished [STRIKE]it[/STRIKE] [STRIKE]scoring[/STRIKE] with a score of 4.91 out of 5.00. It was an excellent score [STRIKE]that[/STRIKE] which qualified me to [STRIKE]enter[/STRIKE] apply for any of the university’s [STRIKE]respectful[/STRIKE] respected majors including the medical majors, but due to the strict [STRIKE]procedures towards[/STRIKE] controls on [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] foreign students [STRIKE]in[/STRIKE] at the university, [STRIKE]it[/STRIKE] I wasn’t able to choose any of those majors.

I still [STRIKE]have the[/STRIKE] hope and [STRIKE]I[/STRIKE] believe that someday I’ll achieve my “wish”. I [STRIKE]actually think[/STRIKE] believe that during [STRIKE]this[/STRIKE] the aforementioned period I gained [STRIKE]more[/STRIKE] a lot of knowledge and [STRIKE]more[/STRIKE] experience. [STRIKE]Since I studied[/STRIKE] Taking the preparatory year [STRIKE]that[/STRIKE] added a lot to my experience and now I know [STRIKE]how[/STRIKE] what [STRIKE]is the[/STRIKE] college life is like. [STRIKE]Not to mention[/STRIKE] In addition to what I learned in this year, [STRIKE]and[/STRIKE] since the subjects were in [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] English, [STRIKE]language[/STRIKE] my English level [STRIKE]became even more better[/STRIKE] improved greatly. [STRIKE]A good prove[/STRIKE] As evidence [STRIKE]for that is[/STRIKE] of this, I scored 100/100 in Level 2 of the English course. I think now I’m [STRIKE]well[/STRIKE] more prepared than ever to start my undergraduate study, and I hope this scholarship will give me [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] that opportunity. The scholarship will also give me the chance [STRIKE]also[/STRIKE] to experience a totally different environment, [STRIKE]the medium of[/STRIKE] where communication [STRIKE]for me[/STRIKE] will [STRIKE]depend[/STRIKE] be [STRIKE]on[/STRIKE] in English. That will improve my English [STRIKE]speech[/STRIKE] speaking skills a lot. [STRIKE]better[/STRIKE]

See above for my suggested amendments.

To other users who may be confused - I accidentally edited this post with my amendments instead of writing a fresh post. emsr2d2.

 

[emsr2d2]

Apologies, Tsuri, I have accidentally edited your original post with my suggested amendments instead of making a new post. However, you can clearly see the changes I made.

 

[Tsuri]

It's totally ok , thank you sooo much for your effort , I really appreciate your help
But I have one more thing , how's the over all idea of the statement , is it strong enough ? Will it effect the committee ? And do I need to add another paragraph to it or shall I start finishing ???
I'm just so concerned and I want to make sure I'm doing everything right.

 

[emsr2d2]

I can't help you with that. I have never had to write a statement of purpose or a personal statement, nor have I ever sat on an admissions committee.