Results 1 to 7 of 7
  1. #1
    luxinterior is offline Newbie
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Interested in Language
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • England
      • Current Location:
      • Philippines
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Posts
    4

    Something Just Seems 'Off' About This? Your Thoughts Appreciated.

    Hi

    I'm just writing a short two line blurb that's supposed to be a kind of 'mission statement' and something just doesn't sound correct to me. Would appreciate some feedback from other, more knowledgeable people

    A professional programmer for almost 15 years who's managed to make a decent living purely from working on the Internet. With my plugins and articles I hope to help other people do the same.
    Thanks

    Steve

    PS: 'Plugins' refers to the software I write... just in case anybody was wondering.

  2. #2
    JMurray is offline Key Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Interested in Language
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • New Zealand
      • Current Location:
      • Australia
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Posts
    2,114

    Re: Something Just Seems 'Off' About This? Your Thoughts Appreciated.

    A professional programmer for almost 15 years who's managed to make a decent living purely from working on the Internet. With my plugins and articles I hope to help other people do the same.

    Perhaps:
    As a professional programmer for almost 15 years, I've managed to make a decent living purely from working on the Internet. With my plugins and articles I hope to help other people do the same.

    not a teacher

  3. #3
    tedtmc is offline Key Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Interested in Language
      • Native Language:
      • Chinese
      • Home Country:
      • Malaysia
      • Current Location:
      • Malaysia
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Posts
    2,108

    Re: Something Just Seems 'Off' About This? Your Thoughts Appreciated.

    With my plugins and articles I hope to help other people do the same.
    That's vague. You should say what you do with you plugins and articles to help the people. Do you sell/publish them?

    not a teacher

  4. #4
    luxinterior is offline Newbie
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Interested in Language
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • England
      • Current Location:
      • Philippines
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Posts
    4

    Re: Something Just Seems 'Off' About This? Your Thoughts Appreciated.

    Quote Originally Posted by JMurray View Post
    Perhaps:
    As a professional programmer for almost 15 years, I've managed to make a decent living purely from working on the Internet. With my plugins and articles I hope to help other people do the same.

    not a teacher
    Thanks for your suggestion. Sounds much better. Funny how just a slight rearrangement of the words
    can make all the difference.

    Steve

  5. #5
    luxinterior is offline Newbie
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Interested in Language
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • England
      • Current Location:
      • Philippines
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Posts
    4

    Re: Something Just Seems 'Off' About This? Your Thoughts Appreciated.

    Quote Originally Posted by tedtmc View Post
    That's vague. You should say what you do with you plugins and articles to help the people. Do you sell/publish them?

    not a teacher
    It's for a small 'about' box with limited space. I can't write an essay and the site makes it abundantly clear what I mean by the term 'plugins' so there's no confusion at all. Thanks for your feedback though.

    Steve

  6. #6
    Barb_D's Avatar
    Barb_D is offline Moderator
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Other
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Posts
    19,049

    Re: Something Just Seems 'Off' About This? Your Thoughts Appreciated.

    A comment on the content: It's about you - how you earn your living. Is your purpose for this blurb to talk about you or to talk about your readers and their needs?
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

  7. #7
    luxinterior is offline Newbie
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Interested in Language
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • England
      • Current Location:
      • Philippines
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Posts
    4

    Re: Something Just Seems 'Off' About This? Your Thoughts Appreciated.

    Quote Originally Posted by Barb_D View Post
    A comment on the content: It's about you - how you earn your living. Is your purpose for this blurb to talk about you or to talk about your readers and their needs?
    Hi

    Thanks for your response.

    I guess the answer is 'both'. It's an 'about' blurb so it has to cover both areas in a VERY short amount of space. I think that's why it seems a bit jarring to me. There's no flow or natural continuity from me to YOU. But as I say I'm restricted by space.

    Steve

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •