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  1. Newbie
    Student or Learner
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Russian
      • Home Country:
      • Russian Federation
      • Current Location:
      • Russian Federation

    • Join Date: Apr 2013
    • Posts: 2
    #1

    Need your help in checking readability!

    Hi everyone! ) I'm trying to write in English and I really
    need some native speakers to check the text's readability!
    So, if you please, I have this little passage for you!


    "The night was filled with slightly chilly air of early spring.
    The typical city's sounds, those of speeding cars, leaving
    behind choking, rushing skyward whiffs of dust, and people's
    constant buzzing chatter, were slowly dying away. Weakening
    hollow din was retreating, it seemed, to the distant, menacing
    outskirts, where it was kept in dark and damp, enormous
    underground chamber by some powerful, shadowlike guard
    until morning light..."

  2. Editor, UsingEnglish.com
    English Teacher
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • UK
      • Current Location:
      • Japan

    • Join Date: Nov 2002
    • Posts: 69,524
    #2

    Re: Need your help in checking readability!

    How about:

    The typical city sounds - those of speeding cars, leaving behind choking, rushing skyward whiffs of dust, and people's constant buzzing chatter - were slowly dying away.
    It reduces the commas and makes it easier to link the subject to the verb. I'd consider going on a (slightly) reduced adjective/adverb diet, but that's just one person's view.

  3. Newbie
    Student or Learner
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Russian
      • Home Country:
      • Russian Federation
      • Current Location:
      • Russian Federation

    • Join Date: Apr 2013
    • Posts: 2
    #3

    Re: Need your help in checking readability!

    Oh! Thank you! Does everything else read all right? )

    I edited some pieces. So...

    "The night was filled with the slightly chilly air of early spring.
    The typical city's sounds - those of speeding cars, leaving
    behind choking, rushing skyward whiffs of dust, and people's
    constant buzzing chatter - were slowly dying away. Weakening
    hollow din was retreating, it seemed, to the distant, menacing
    outskirts, where it was kept in a dark and damp, enormous
    underground chamber by some powerful, shadowlike guard
    until morning light..."

    Does this read okay? )
    Last edited by Hancewicz; 14-Apr-2013 at 16:41.

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