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  1. Newbie
    Student or Learner
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      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States

    • Join Date: May 2013
    • Posts: 1

    Editing my short story...

    So I had to write a short story, and was wondering if someone could edit it and enhance it for me??? :)

    "The power of a gun can kill. And the power of fire can burn. The power of wind can chill and the power of the mind can learn. The power of anger can rage inside until it tears you apart but the power of a smile especially yours can heal a frozen heart." Those were his final words to me, in final seconds of his life, before the ONE who gave his eyes light took it back. I cried for many days and nights, too struck by grief to do anything but lay and weep... The man who had given me everything taken away in a flash.... After my eyes dried and I could cry no more, I stepped outside, the warm air encasing me life a cloak there was only one thought in my head... Revenge
    My name is Vince, just Vince. I do not know my last name, nor do I care. Thinking of the past will make me. I live in Greendale, the year is 2005. It has been ten days since all power went out. People have gone crazy, Marshall Law has been declared, the president and all other rich and fancy Parnell have left. To where, no one knows. There is only one thing on my mind, finding those who killed my friend, Keith. This whole situation with no power doesn’t bother me because I was too poor to have electricity to begin with. I prepared to leave.
    I sat at the coffee table. Sipping a cup of straight black coffee I began to plan my revenge. Who could have known what happened? I thought to myself… I clutched my locket, the only thing my parents had given me before abandoning me at 2 years old. The locket was nothing special, just a simple triangular slab of gold, with a strong eye in the middle. On the backside the words “after fire there’s rain, after pain there’s pleasure”.
    I scrawled down “Robert” he owned a pub on 7th street, and knew everything that was going on. He was the best place to start. I began to pack a backpack with the essentials. Two pairs of shorts, a light jacked, two shirts, and a machete, and I found my friend Keith’s golden pistol under one of the floorboards in the kitchen. “Just in case” he said to me when he hid it there so long ago. I didn’t bother with food, but packed a large canteen of water.
    I set out not yet knowing if I would survive my expedition, I wasn’t too worried of trouble though living in the harsh streets of Everglades you became used to this. My biggest concern was not finding what happened to Keith, Keith I thought always the first to help people sometimes I thought it was a bit too helpful, too much of a good thing you know?
    I walked onto the sidewalk paused for a moment, I was about to look back at the house that I’d spent so many hardships in, but I stopped myself it was time to move on. I look forward instead of adventure that still lies ahead of me. There was a eerie silence in the world. All houses were quiet, what little people were in the streets To their business. I set out for seventh Street.
    I reached Robert half without much excitement, the pot with a simple building with a flat roof, on top of the roof was a fine name the prancing pony. I found no one inside, I thought Robert behind the shelf, he was cleaning why I don’t know no one would ever go there anymore. He glanced up at me, he looked back down at his work. I sat down at one of I sat down at one of the barstools.

    I looked up at him, Robert was a burly man he was wearing simple shorts and a simple shirt he had a grid over his shirt. I looked up at him you know I am here I said he replied I can only guess, I suppose you want news on your late Randy she. Yes, you have a reputation for knowing what is going on in the Everglades. I said he grunted yet I suppose I I can help you out but it’s going to cost you. Of course I said to take care of me are surely take care of you. What $100 loosen your tongue, $100 will only get you a little detail. I scowled and pulled out five more bills, surely $600 is enough.

    He eyed the money, I know you don’t get much business anymore, you need every dollar you can get. All right he said, he hastily went to grab the money,. I put my hand on it, first the information. All right all right all I know is your friend Keith’s had a run-in with the wrong kind of people. What kind of people I pressed on, the word out right now is that key was trying to stop the killas. My heart stopped, the killers were the most notorious gang in the whole country, they had a Empire. Now that people that ever had any authority had left there had been no one stopping the killers from taking over. He had always been very outspoken about the.

    Richard went on; it seems that key was the only real threat to them so they took him out.
    “WAIT”, Richard snarled. “Forgetting something?!”,
    “Oh right, I threw the money down on the table, you didn’t think I would forget did you?”
    “I’m sorry” He mumbled, his face matching the color of his red carpet.
    “It’s alright, I understand”
    “Do you though, I am no longer here to run a pub, but to have a pass time, my life is meaningless, and it’s all that DAMN Killas FAULT”
    “WAIT what!”
    “N-Nothing” He stammered
    I grabbed him and pinned him against the wall, pulled the machete off my belt, and put it to his throat. “Tell me WHAT YOU KNOW!” I snarled.
    “Please don’t kill me” he cried.
    “TELL-ME-WHAT-YOU-KNOW” I exclaimed each word by banging him against the wall.
    “Ok-ok” he cried “let me go first”
    SLAM! I hit him against the wall again; I pressed the knife closer to his fat little face. “You’re running out of time FRIEND”
    “Ok, the Killas, created a jammer, that disrupts waves and causes them to bounce away from the earth… with no power they know they rule without opposition.”
    SCREECH, I heard a car coming
    “How do you even know this?” I murmured
    “I overheard their plans, when they came for a drink” Robert stammered
    “Who is that?” I whispered
    “The killas are here! We’re dead” Robert exclaimed
    “Shut up and get in the closet” I said in that same quiet voice.
    Robert waddled into the closet and shut the door. I crouched down behind a table, hidden from view. Two men walked in, one was clutching a massive square box, with a confusion dial. Both men were similarly dressed; one was wearing the traditional Killa attire. Black Jeans, A plain black T-Shirt, the other man was dressed in the same cloths, only he had a golden ring, this demonstrated that he was much more superior to the other man. The superior officer spoke “Where is that fool?” the man said with a suprisinlgy high pitched voice. “Fat man is probably stuffing his face.”

    All I got so far, could really use some help!!

  2. Key Member
    English Teacher
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • English
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      • United States
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      • United States

    • Join Date: Jan 2010
    • Posts: 1,696

    Re: Editing my short story...

    Is this part of your homework? I suggest that you read over the text and make corrections where needed, most are fairly obvious.

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