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  1. Newbie
    Student or Learner
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      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • Canada
      • Current Location:
      • Canada

    • Join Date: Jul 2013
    • Posts: 1

    Please help rate/revise my essay?

    Hi, my topic is:
    Should people make more of an effort to keep some things private? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

    I'm practicing for SAT and would like some help revising and rating my essay.

    In an ever expanding world where social media spreads like wildfire and readily connects everyone no matter where they are, people should make more of an effort to keep some things private. Gossip and speculation of fact can easily tear down relationships, and many times does social networking reveal some harsh thoughts or inappropriate pictures that should have never been there. Keeping things private is crucial to protecting yourself as well as others. Society as a whole requires a person to have decorum and be abiding to the norms of society. The Nazi oppression of the Jewish race, social networking websites such as Facebook, and the novel To Kill A Mockingbird, by Harper Lee, all are examples why people should make more of an effort to keep some things private.

    During the Nazi Regime in Germany, hundreds upon thousands of Jewish people were discriminated against and harshly dealt with. The Gestapo, Adolf Hitler’s secret police, were allowed to detain and even execute suspected Jews without any reprimand. This is where privacy comes in. Of course, there were people in Nazi Germany who were opposed to this totalitarian regime, but they could not speak out their views, because other Germans “brainwashed” with Aryan beliefs could eavesdrop on them and report them to the Gestapo. Any person who seemed to be against Hitler would face a cruel punishment. It was better for people to not voice out their opinions because if they did, they or their friends and relatives would be killed immediately.

    Facebook is a great example of why people should make more of an effort to keep things private. Privacy in social networking is a critical issue nowadays. With a click of a mouse or a few keystrokes, one is able to post words or pictures that may haunt them for the rest of their lives. Once something enters the internet world, it usually will be impossible to erase its existence. Many people’s lives have been ruined because of them unknowingly posting information about themselves that really shouldn’t be on the web.

    The novel To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee also gives a good example of why privacy is important. In the novel, the main character meets a man named Mr. Dolphus Raymond who is usually seen drinking something out of a paper bag, presumably alcohol of some sort. The truth is that he is just pretending to be drunk because people do not respect his choice of marrying a person of a different race. His keeping of privacy prevents other people from prying into his life and makes it easier for him to continue what he is doing.

    In summation, people should make more of an effort in keeping some things private. If one does not protect their privacy, in some cases, their reputation will be ruined, and there will be consequences for everything that you do. Having decorum and keeping to the norms of society will keep your information safe and not in jeopardy.

    Thank You. What would you rate it out of 12?

  2. userdownload2012

    Re: Please help rate/revise my essay?

    (I am not a teacher)
    I think it's better to use "make too much of" instead of "make more of"
    Last edited by userdownload2012; 28-Jul-2013 at 14:04.

  3. emsr2d2's Avatar
    English Teacher
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      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • UK
      • Current Location:
      • UK

    • Join Date: Jul 2009
    • Posts: 44,263

    Re: Please help rate/revise my essay?

    Quote Originally Posted by userdownload2012 View Post
    I think it's better to use "make too much of" instead of "make more of".
    Who knows?
    It's good of you to contribute, userdownload2012 but please state at the beginning of your posts that you are not a teacher. Also, please ensure that you use correct capitalisation and punctuation in your posts. Putting "Who knows?" at the end of a post makes no sense. It suggests that you have answered a question or made a suggestion but you have no idea if you are right or not.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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