I am Martijn from the Netherlands and practicing my English. I am looking to get a band 7 or higher in the IELTS test. I am having trouble assessing my own writing, and maybe you can help me out?

Writing Task 2: write at least 250 words about the following topic: "In many countries children are engaged in some kind of work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion".

I will discuss the following topic in my essay: if it is acceptable to engage children in some kind of paid work.

In the western parts of the world it is often regarded as completely wrong to engage children in work at a young age. The overall idea in our society is that a child should be able to be a child, and that they should not have to worry about things that are for adults, like earning money or having problems at work. Children should be able to play with their friends, have fun, learn new things at school, develop their own character and learn to socially behave and get to know some vital skills for in the future.

In other parts of the world like Africa or some parts of Asia, it is very normal to let children work at a young age. It is common practice for children in countries like Bangladesh to work at a factory developing clothes for the western world. This can be completely wrong in our eyes, but people in these countries consider it to be valuable work experience. The more work experience the better, also you will learn as a child to take responsibility for your actions at a young age. They think that all this will help to get these children a better future career.

My own opinion is that it is very important for a child to be able to play, be a child and doesn’t have to worry about money or work-related problems, especially at a younger age. In my eyes it is absolutely useful to start working at an age of 15 or 16, but child labour at a young age is unacceptable.

Word count: 285. Please give me some advise where I can improve my writing. If possible what band do you think I would have got for what I have written?