could you do me a favor to give to some advice about my TOEFL independent writing ? I would be thankful.

TOPIC: Which one do you prefer, a job with higher salaries but fewer vacations or a job with lower vacations but more vacations?

My writing :

As for choices of job, different strokes for different folks. Owing to a mania for pursuit of material, plenty of people are looking forward to having a job with a higher salary and fewer vacations. Whereas, holding the opposite opinion, I stick to the notion that it is better for us to have more vacations with less salaries.

First and foremost, job with more vacations along with low payment can serve as a feasible way to assist us to get rid of pressure. Afflicted with work stress caused by the accelerating pace of modern society, vacations play an essential role in lifting our spirits. This point can be best demonstrated by my friend's experience. Working as a general manager, my friend, Amy, could only enjoy her vacation during the Spring Festival. Even though she is afforded more than a million yuan a year, inundated with concerns about the market outlook and product planning, she whines that she is actually living in a misery. In fact, consensus as it is, living in a competitive society inundated with the crisis of unemployment and depression of arduous work, people are prone to have psychological problems, which will give rise to less morale and passion for both life and work. Nonetheless, when we are travelling to foreign countries or going fishing during the vacation, we could dedicate the whole attention to this activity rather than our work in order to remove the barrier for further mental development.

Moreover, this kind of job is capable to reinforce the family ties by rendering family atmosphere hilarious. Just as water is indispensable to fish, so is company to family members. As for Amy's distant family relationship, all the problems stem from her job. Hardly is she able to schedule the time freely to travel with her family. As a result, her little boy even doubts that the reason why his mum seldom accompanies him is because she does not love him. Thus, this high-paid and vacation-deprived job, to some extent, estranges us from others. Notwithstanding,by more reunion and more communication, jobs with a lower salary and more vacations can give an end to this situation. Simply put, climbing a mountain or going out for a barbecue, all the family members will have a close affinity with each other, which can never be compensated by money.

Therefore, in my perspective, the choice of which kind of job to occupy reflects a person's attitude, not only to themselves, but also to their family. Granted, more salaries give access to affluence. Nevertheless, at the expense of it, we may lose something more significant, such as our spiritual enjoyment and family bonds. In a consequence, clearly enough, job with low salaries and more vacations should always be the priority option.

I would be grateful if you could give me some advice.
And have a nice day .