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  1. o_cat
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    #1

    Please correct my essay. Thanks!(2)

    The set of drawings above vividly depicts the flower cannot undergo the tremendous wind and the rain. In one picture, although the wind and rain heavily outside, we still can see a flower bloom in the green house. While, in the second picture, without green, the flower under the rain nearly to die.
    Seeing these two pictures, some thoughts came to my mind. With the development of society, teenagers have better condition to grow up than ever before. In China, parents used to made all the important decisions for their children, and they have solved most of the problems came to their kids. So, naturally, people will ask such a question: When one day, children facing some difficulties and they have to solve all the problems of their own, could they do a well job?
    Therefore, it is imperative for us to take some measures. First of all, parents should give authority to children to make their own decisions. In my opinion, parents should say: “You can do it yourself.” other than: “You can do it in this way.” Secondly, to the teenagers, they should practice to solve some significant things of their own. From my point of view, things would be better if both the parents and teenagers can do these two points.

    Many thanks! :) :) :)

  2. RonBee's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Please correct my essay. Thanks!(2)

    For help writing essays, try this site: http://members.tripod.com/~lklivingston/essay/

    I have read part of it and it looks to me like it is pretty easy to follow.


    The set of drawings above vividly depicts the flower cannot undergo the tremendous wind and the rain.
    That needs to be rewritten. The picture shows two contrasting images, right? That is what you need to say.

    In one picture, although the wind and rain heavily outside, we still can see a flower bloom in the green house.
    Try:

    • In the one picture, although there is a driving rain outside, the flower in the greenhouse is untouched by the punishing rain.


    While, in the second picture, without green, the flower under the rain nearly to die.
    Try:

    • In the second picture, the flower outside looks like it has been severely damaged.


    I'm trying to avoid offering too many revisions, since the essay really should be in your words, not mine. (Obviously, I have had mixed success doing that.)

    :)

  3. RonBee's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: Please correct my essay. Thanks!(2)

    Second paragraph:
    Seeing these two pictures, some thoughts came to my mind. With the development of society, teenagers have better condition to grow up than ever before.
    • Seeing these two pictures, some thoughts came to my mind. With the development of society, teenagers have better conditions to grow up in than ever before.

    In China, parents used to made all the important decisions for their children, and they have solved most of the problems came to their kids.
    That first part is fine, but you need to do something with the second part.
    So, naturally, people will ask such a question: When one day, children facing some difficulties and they have to solve all the problems of their own, could they do a well job?
    You need to revise that somewhat. Try: "So, naturally, people will ask themselves...." Say: solve all their own problems; good job.

    :)

    Third paragraph:
    Therefore, it is imperative for us to take some measures. First of all, parents should give authority to children to make their own decisions. In my opinion, parents should say: “You can do it yourself.” other than: “You can do it in this way.” Secondly, to the teenagers, they should practice to solve some significant things of their own. From my point of view, things would be better if both the parents and teenagers can do these two points.
    See if you can find a way to improve on that.

    :)

  4. o_cat
    Guest
    #4

    Re: Please correct my essay. Thanks!(2)

    For help writing essays, try this site: http://members.tripod.com/~lklivingston/essay/
    I have read part of it and it looks to me like it is pretty easy to follow.
    Although I want to read it very much, I cannot open it.:(
    Are there any other address to that essay?

    Can I modify it like this:
    Therefore, it is imperative for us to take some measures. First of all, parents should give authority to children to make their own decisions.
    Therefore, it is imperative to take some measures. Fist of all,parents should let the children to have their own decisions.

    In my opinion, parents should say: “You can do it yourself.” other than: “You can do it in this way.”
    In my opinion, parents can say: "You can do it yourself." instead of "You can do it in this way."

    Secondly, to the teenagers, they should practice to solve some significant things of their own.
    Secondly, as the teenagers, they should pracitce to solve their own problems.

    From my point of view, things would be better if both the parents and teenagers can do these two points.
    Only in this way, children can be strong enough when facing difficulties.

  5. RonBee's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: Please correct my essay. Thanks!(2)

    Quote Originally Posted by o_cat
    For help writing essays, try this site: http://members.tripod.com/~lklivingston/essay/
    I have read part of it and it looks to me like it is pretty easy to follow.
    Although I want to read it very much, I cannot open it.:(
    Are there any other address to that essay?
    Here are a couple of others for you to try:
    http://esl.about.com/library/howto/htessay.htm
    http://webcenter.netscape.teachervis...esson-1783.htm

    One thing that you should keep in mind is that your first sentence should be a hook that catches the readrr's interest.

    Quote Originally Posted by o_cat
    Can I modify it like this:
    Therefore, it is imperative for us to take some measures. First of all, parents should give authority to children to make their own decisions.
    Therefore, it is imperative to take some measures. Fist of all,parents should let the children to have their own decisions.
    Try:
    • First of all, parents should let their children make some of their own decisions.


    Quote Originally Posted by o_cat
    In my opinion, parents should say: “You can do it yourself.” other than: “You can do it in this way.”
    In my opinion, parents can say: "You can do it yourself." instead of "You can do it in this way."
    In other words, parents should let their children do things for themselves more often? (That one is better.)

    Quote Originally Posted by o_cat
    Secondly, to the teenagers, they should practice to solve some significant things of their own.
    Secondly, as the teenagers, they should pracitce to solve their own problems.
    Try: "they should get practice at solving...."
    Quote Originally Posted by o_cat
    From my point of view, things would be better if both the parents and teenagers can do these two points.
    Only in this way, children can be strong enough when facing difficulties.
    Only in that way can they learn to depend on themselves?

    8)

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