Results 1 to 3 of 3
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Singapore
      • Current Location:
      • Singapore

    • Join Date: Oct 2013
    • Posts: 8
    #1

    How can i improve this essay?

    My examinations are coming up (GCE "O" levels) and i need feedback on how to improve my essay!
    This essay was given 22/30 but i am hoping to be able to score higher marks for it
    Tell me your suggestions and advice! i will read all replies

    Passion

    The real me is interested in writing, I have always dreamt about writing my own novel with a vivacious atmosphere, a protagonist that knows no limits and a few rather upsetting challenges he faces along the way. I realise that I do have potential. But potential is not derived from sitting at home and watching my favourite drama series. Potential is achieve through massive amounts of hard work and dedication with the eager desire to succeed. You need a basic medium or as I like to call it, passion. To strive on steadfastly and to obtain what you dreamt the most. If you have a dream and you work towards it even by taking the smallest first steps then you too, have potential.
    When I first told my peers about my ambition to be a writer, I would receive plenty of derision from them; firstly I would be discriminated for the lack of imagination and vocabulary. But I know that deep inside my virtuosity, you will see a scintillating ray of never ending wonders. I did not keep their criticism to myself; instead I developed the mind set to prove that I will be victorious regardless of their words. I pictured myself signing autographs from people who were gobsmacked by the level of intensity my book has to offer. After all, a winner sees the act of winning before it even happened.
    I decided to start small with my passion; I was extremely excited when I picked to compete organised by the school’s magazine about our class room. The theme was “graduation” and it had a grand prize accompanied by it, there were 40 movie tickets and a $400 reward for our class outing, what an outstanding sum! Needless to say my classmates gave me a myriad of ideas and we had bonding sessions discussing the topic. I remembered one of my classmates in particular, raised the idea of writing down our experiences in the first day of the school back when we were only secondary 1!
    We emerged victorious and obtained the prize, but on that day, on which I was to collect the reward, I felt something strange inside of. It was a feeling where I felt like my life had reached its pinnacle. It screamed to me “you did it Augustine! One small step and you’re off to a great start!” I felt victorious. On that special day I won more than just that competition. I won what I had always desired the most. I felt victorious; I had not only gained a victory in the competition but also gained even more confidence to continue my journey to become a writer.
    So to whoever that thinks that it is impossible for them to start what they aspire to do. I challenge you. I challenge you to explore your dreams, fight on and persevere as if you were to die tomorrow. Who knows? Maybe you had accomplished that stepping stone a long time ago.
    “Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the things you did do. So throw off those bowlines, sail away from safe harbour, catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”
    -H. Jackson Brown JR
    538 words(491 without quote)The real me is interested in writing, I have always dreamt about writing my own novel with a vivacious atmosphere, a protagonist that knows no limits and a few rather upsetting challenges he faces along the way. I realise that I do have potential. But potential is not derived from sitting at home and watching my favourite drama series. Potential is achieve through massive amounts of hard work and dedication with the eager desire to succeed. You need a basic medium or as I like to call it, passion. To strive on steadfastly and to obtain what you dreamt the most. If you have a dream and you work towards it even by taking the smallest first steps then you too, have potential.
    When I first told my peers about my ambition to be a writer, I would receive plenty of derision from them; firstly I would be discriminated for the lack of imagination and vocabulary. But I know that deep inside my virtuosity, you will see a scintillating ray of never ending wonders. I did not keep their criticism to myself; instead I developed the mind set to prove that I will be victorious regardless of their words. I pictured myself signing autographs from people who were gobsmacked by the level of intensity my book has to offer. After all, a winner sees the act of winning before it even happened.
    I decided to start small with my passion; I was extremely excited when I picked to compete organised by the school’s magazine about our class room. The theme was “graduation” and it had a grand prize accompanied by it, there were 40 movie tickets and a $400 reward for our class outing, what an outstanding sum! Needless to say my classmates gave me a myriad of ideas and we had bonding sessions discussing the topic. I remembered one of my classmates in particular, raised the idea of writing down our experiences in the first day of the school back when we were only secondary 1!
    We emerged victorious and obtained the prize, but on that day, on which I was to collect the reward, I felt something strange inside of. It was a feeling where I felt like my life had reached its pinnacle. It screamed to me “you did it Augustine! One small step and you’re off to a great start!” I felt victorious. On that special day I won more than just that competition. I won what I had always desired the most. I felt victorious; I had not only gained a victory in the competition but also gained even more confidence to continue my journey to become a writer.
    So to whoever that thinks that it is impossible for them to start what they aspire to do. I challenge you. I challenge you to explore your dreams, fight on and persevere as if you were to die tomorrow. Who knows? Maybe you had accomplished that stepping stone a long time ago.
    “Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the things you did do. So throw off those bowlines, sail away from safe harbour, catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”
    -H. Jackson Brown JR
    538 words(491 without quote)

  1. emsr2d2's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • UK
      • Current Location:
      • UK

    • Join Date: Jul 2009
    • Posts: 41,822
    #2

    Re: How can i improve this essay?

    Is this the essay you are going to (re)submit for marking?
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Singapore
      • Current Location:
      • Singapore

    • Join Date: Oct 2013
    • Posts: 8
    #3

    Re: How can i improve this essay?

    No, this essay was done as a self revision and my English teacher is pretty busy.

Similar Threads

  1. How can I improve my essay?
    By din01 in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 13-Mar-2012, 05:36
  2. [Essay] Could someone please improve my essay?
    By jshao0301 in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 15-Jan-2010, 03:33
  3. [Essay] Could someone please improve my essay?
    By jshao0301 in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 14-Jan-2010, 04:18
  4. [Essay] Could someone please improve my essay?
    By jshao0301 in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 13-Jan-2010, 12:36
  5. He! please to improve essay
    By Adrians in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 31-May-2006, 19:35

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •