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    College essays

    please help with my college essays, this school is very important to me (UW) please comment on things I should add or change to make them awesome

    a) personal:

    As soon as I took my position, it was instant chaos. The air did not feel relaxing anymore; a new frantic and heavy feeling was now around me. The pool deck was not only now filled with thick air but cluttered with questions, and hiked up emotions. A feeling of a drill sergeant came over me, explaining the plan and how to execute it. I instantly started with getting the girls in the next event to their positions. Quickly searching for the other captains to help, I was slightly distraught as I could not find any of them. It looked as if I was going in alone on this one alone.

    The deck was a crowded and loud place to be just as a bystander, these girls were getting instruction in this environment. As soon as the event had started I left that group of girls feeling confident and hopeful that I had given them all that they needed to do their best. I started on the next group, and continued that pattern until the capacity of my own team in the events had slowed down. I stayed behind the blocks, off and on other teams needed help, and I was glad to assist them. The air was still heavy but not as frantic anymore, it felt relaxing after a stressful day.

    We completed the meet with one last team cheer and high fives around the pool deck to all the other teams. My coach had then pulled me aside informing me that our team hadn’t missed a single race that day. Even though this might not seem like a big deal to some people, it meant a great deal to me. No missed races felt like the biggest victory in the world. Our first swim meet, was a great accomplishment.

    The bus ride back to school was relaxing, and felt of completion. As the day went on I got several messages from my girls expressing their thanks and telling me I was an awesome captain. It was a great feeling to be told I was doing a great job and being good support. Going home thinking of what had happened, I felt like a new person, a new sense of self awareness. Although my teammates and coaches might not have known how much it meant to me, I will never forget that day. I am so proud of my girls, my swimmers, my friends.

    b) diversity:

    I live in a town called Monroe here in Washington, but I go to school in Snohomish. Both towns are diversely different. I was transferred from a Monroe private elementary school, to a public middle school in Snohomish. If I had gone to school in Monroe High School like I was suppose to I would not be as diverse of a person I am now. Back when I was in seventh grade I would have said that I hated making new friends, and starting over. It’s hard to create relationships with new people.

    The feel, people, and the experiences I’ve had in both towns are different. Being exposed to both these different environments gives me a better hold on what diversity truly means. Diversity is people with different ideas, backgrounds, and cultures. It’s about whom you are, not just what you put on paper or say out loud. This is about sharing who you really are, your passions, talents, and open mind. I have made friends of all races and beliefs.

    I am so glad that I came to Snohomish; the people are what make the town such a wonderful place. A cute little antique town, I never knew would change me so much. We are the most spirited school in western Washington four years in a row. The people of Snohomish make this a possibility. Generosity and courtesy are not traits that are to be sought out, but are already shown in the people. I long to meet others and expand my knowledge as well as share my own culture and experiences.

  1. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    Re: College essays

    Welcome to the forum.

    When are you going to submit your essay(s) to your teacher/tutor for marking? Are these essays to help you get into college?
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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