Student or Learner
This is my Statement of purpose
I am applying for the scholarship of Institute of Business Administration Karachi. Presently I am completing my Intermediate education from Govt College Jauhar. I received impressive feedback from my seniors studying at your esteemed university and that made me choose your university.
Education has always been an important aspect of my life. I have completed my O値evel from University of Cambridge International Examination instead of Karachi Board as my mother knew that I needed to get my base strong. I was studying in Bahria Foundation School but as my mother could not afford my school fees we decided to prepare for the examination at home. I left Bahria Foundation School in 9th class and studied at home. I was going to appear in O値evel examination privately but due to hindrances from my father I could not get my passport in time. So I got admission in Summit Educational System to be able to appear in the CIE. My mother tried to make both ends meet so I could study in Bahria and Summit and appear in the examinations.
I now see myself capable enough to apply at your prestigious university. I have completed O値evel with 2 A-grades, studying from home and now currently in Intermediate Part II. I have received 78.55% in HSC-I and hope to do much better in HSC-II.
I am now well more prepared than ever to start my undergraduate program and hope this scholarship will give me that opportunity. In the past two years my English speaking skills have improved and I believe that my personality has developed a lot.
I have had a strong aptitude in commerce subjects and always wondered how businesses worked. Even when I was studying in Olevel I wanted to study the commerce subjects but I could not so as my school did not teach them.
I believe that I can work in a team, act as a leader and be a responsible citizen. In the future I see myself as someone who can contribute to IBA. I hope the scholarship committee will find me worthy of financial support so that I can achieve my goal.
How can I make it better? and get rid of some of the "I".
Also rephrase/correct the underlined sentence.
Really much appreciate it.