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    #1

    Pls Help correct the grammar!Thanks!

    Pls help me correct the bellow informations,thank you very much!


    Wireless Control:
    Our company designed and produced the Smart Gateway、Smart WIfi router、Bluetooth and our researched touch remote-control switch, network adapter, digital fluorescent lamp ballasts, digital LED driver, Adopt the Ethernet IEEE 802.3, Wi-Fi IEEE 802.11, Modbus protocol, Z-wave IEEE 802.15.4, 433Mhz digital signal processing, achieve the wireless control network optical, wireless optical network


    Wired control and the carrier transmission
    The intelligent illumination control system (which is called DALI-XXXX distributed intelligent lighting control system) that our company adopts has provided advanced digital, modularized, distributed, wireless control architecture. Illumination lamps and lanterns can be switched or dimmer controlled more professionally and flexibly, According to the signal transmission environment, comprehensive utilization of wired control, wireless control and carrier transmission, so as to realize the control system effective, stable, reliable.


    Driver transmission control
    Company Smart Lighting control system is that utilize the LED driver,adopt RS485 communication to connect the smart power supply.Then control center can be centralized control、group control and single control through the controller. Transform the Brightness to MODBUS signal to send to the Smart power and PWM form to control the constant power supply、LED on/off and dim、collect the key feature、alarm and handle abnormal things.To realize the Smart city street lighting、public lighting、landscape lighting control.
    Last edited by Jeff-Young; 02-Apr-2014 at 11:49. Reason: nothing

  1. Barb_D's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Pls Help correct the grammar!Thanks!

    I'm sorry, Jeff, but I can't understand any of this.
    What did you company design? What is the noun? Is it all of those things? A router? A Bluetooth system? A network adapter? A lamp ballast?
    The last part about "achieve the wireless control network optical, wireless optical network" makes no sense at all.

    I can't help edit what I can't understand.

    Try to use simple words that your customer would use, not the words you engineers and your design team like to use.
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

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    #3

    Re: Pls Help correct the grammar!Thanks!

    OK,thanks!

    But if i drawed some pictures bellow these words to describ these products,is it ok?



    Quote Originally Posted by Barb_D View Post
    I'm sorry, Jeff, but I can't understand any of this.
    What did you company design? What is the noun? Is it all of those things? A router? A Bluetooth system? A network adapter? A lamp ballast?
    The last part about "achieve the wireless control network optical, wireless optical network" makes no sense at all.

    I can't help edit what I can't understand.

    Try to use simple words that your customer would use, not the words you engineers and your design team like to use.

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    #4

    Re: Pls Help correct the grammar!Thanks!

    Hi Barb,i have changed it.pls check the bellow message:
    Wireless control system:
    Our company main products are smart Gateway、Smart WIfi router, Bluetooth , touch remote-control switch, network adapter, digital fluorescent lamp ballasts and digital LED driver.
    Adopt the Ethernet IEEE 802.3, Wi-Fi IEEE 802.11, Modbus protocol, Z-wave IEEE 802.15.4, 433Mhz technology to realize the Wireless lighting control system.

    Wired control system:
    DALI-XXXX distributed intelligent lighting control system is a digital, modularized, distributed system,which can be flexibly controlled by computer.If the lights have probelm,it can check and handle it.


    NOW i think you can understand it.Do you have any suggestions? Thank you again!

    Quote Originally Posted by Barb_D View Post
    I'm sorry, Jeff, but I can't understand any of this.
    What did you company design? What is the noun? Is it all of those things? A router? A Bluetooth system? A network adapter? A lamp ballast?
    The last part about "achieve the wireless control network optical, wireless optical network" makes no sense at all.

    I can't help edit what I can't understand.

    Try to use simple words that your customer would use, not the words you engineers and your design team like to use.

  2. Barb_D's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: Pls Help correct the grammar!Thanks!

    Who is your customer?
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

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    #6

    Re: Pls Help correct the grammar!Thanks!

    anybody. Our smart lighting system can be installed to any people' house.So our clients are all people.

  3. Barb_D's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: Pls Help correct the grammar!Thanks!

    Then I will say this again.
    You have not spoken to your customer here at all.

    You have spoken to engineers.

    If I could be your customer, and I don't know what your product is, how it makes my life better, why your product is better than others that do something similar, or how to use it, you have failed.

    Spend little time on the technology, which I don't understand, and start with the benefits.
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

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    #8

    Re: Pls Help correct the grammar!Thanks!

    Hi Barb,

    Thanks! I got your mean. If i insert the pictures bellow these words,can you understand it?
    Click image for larger version. 

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    Quote Originally Posted by Barb_D View Post
    Then I will say this again.
    You have not spoken to your customer here at all.

    You have spoken to engineers.

    If I could be your customer, and I don't know what your product is, how it makes my life better, why your product is better than others that do something similar, or how to use it, you have failed.

    Spend little time on the technology, which I don't understand, and start with the benefits.

  4. Barb_D's Avatar
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    #9

    Re: Pls Help correct the grammar!Thanks!

    I'm sorry, Jeff.

    You don't seem to understand what I'm saying at all. These do help show how it's used, but none of the other things.

    I charge for the type of work I'm trying to do for you here. It's not a grammar question. It's not a style question. It's a matter of company positions and marketing.

    If you really need to develop a brochure that will be aimed at the average consumer, you need to hire a marketing communications consultant. If your company wants to contact me do it via PM. I'm sure you can find someone local to help you as well.
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

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