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    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Chinese
      • Home Country:
      • China
      • Current Location:
      • China

    • Join Date: Apr 2014
    • Posts: 7
    #1

    Help me Correct the Grammar!Thanks!

    Help me Correct the Grammar!Thanks!
    My company main product is Smart lighting system.Now we want to do a brochure to show to our clients.My english is not good,so i hope somebody help me correct the bellow message.Thank you very much!



    Shenzhen Coworking company have been developed the series of Single-wire /neutral-wire remote touch switches、IR transmitter and Wifi router for many years to realize the wireless smart control system. Yichang Miaoqi Lighting company also have been developed and researched for many years,which fromed the fluorescent lamp and LED lights dim control series, Bus station network addressing control. And now we gathered all resources to make a new Smart lighting products、program design and some lighting lamps.


    Our company development strategy target is Optical Network.
    Our responsibility is Safety lighting,smart dimming,energy saving and modern using.And quality is our company life .We have five new directions(New company, new markets, new products, new team, new ideas.) to establish our brand awareness.,we will continue to opitimize the products quality,and design some new functions and prodcuts about the smart lighting system, to keep a competitive advantage of the main product at the same time.
    Our target is that established a professional Smart lighting company through modern commercial mode in short time.Build a professional optical networking,to connect with the internet of things.


    Thanks again!

    Jeff

  1. Barb_D's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States

    • Join Date: Mar 2007
    • Posts: 19,221
    #2

    Re: Help me Correct the Grammar!Thanks!

    Jeff, do you think your clients care about any of this? Do you think they care about your company direction? Your teams? Your desire to be competitve in your market?

    They do not.

    They care about one thing: How will your product make their life easier?

    I can't tell what you actually make. What are "smart lighting product"? Who uses them? What do they do? Why is it better than what they had before?

    That is what needs to go in your brochure.

    Or you could hire a marketing communications consultant.
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Chinese
      • Home Country:
      • China
      • Current Location:
      • China

    • Join Date: Apr 2014
    • Posts: 7
    #3

    Re: Help me Correct the Grammar!Thanks!

    Hi Barb,

    Firstly ,thank you!

    Secondly, this brochure is not only these sentences,also some other informations,such as some connections about the smart lighting product in system.We just want to let our clients what we have and sell!

    Anyway,thany you for the suggestion!




    Quote Originally Posted by Barb_D View Post
    Jeff, do you think your clients care about any of this? Do you think they care about your company direction? Your teams? Your desire to be competitve in your market?

    They do not.

    They care about one thing: How will your product make their life easier?

    I can't tell what you actually make. What are "smart lighting product"? Who uses them? What do they do? Why is it better than what they had before?

    That is what needs to go in your brochure.

    Or you could hire a marketing communications consultant.

  2. Barb_D's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States

    • Join Date: Mar 2007
    • Posts: 19,221
    #4

    Re: Help me Correct the Grammar!Thanks!

    Quote Originally Posted by Jeff-Young View Post
    We just want to let our clients what we have and sell!
    This writing does not do that.
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

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