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    #1

    Revising application essay

    Can anyone help my younger sister revise her application essay? My English's too bad to help her. She have a plan to apply Santa Monica College next year. Thanks a lot.
    Her essay:
    "My mother has been a tremendous influence in my life. She has been working really hard for us with two jobs, never having any serious injuries always staying strong both physically and mentally. She is truly humble and I believe over times, I have adopted some of her incredible character. Apart from her strong will, she has always been particular about fashion. She is very selective when it comes to choosing what we should wear (for me and for my younger sister). When I was 6 years old, my mother bought me a cute little purple dress. Till this day, I still remember that I was very excited with what she gave me and I started to realize that I truly love fashion at a younger age.

    After graduating from high school, I worked at a publishing company that deals with Tokyo tourism. My task was to support the editor-in-chief and I became really interested in creating things from nothing. At the same time, I learnt about the importance of teamwork (a very precious experience for me) and how to overcome difficulty with cooperate protocols. As a high school graduate, dealing with the working environment was extremely difficult and I was greatly happy to overcome those obstacles. After 2 years, I decided that I want to brush my English skills and went to Canada. While pursuing my language skills, I worked at a Thai restaurant to make ends meet. However I learnt more than just serving tables, namely, how to express yourself and voice your opinion. That was a great growing experience for me since Japanese usually are not used to voice their opinion.

    When I came back from Canada, I started to work as a service staff at a Singaporean restaurant. And with all my past experiences, I discovered that the needs of customers/consumers are highly crucial. It gave me great pleasure when customers thank me for the extra services that they did not expect.

    So from these past experiences I have decided to move onto the next step. And I believe that applying to Santa Monica College studying fashion merchandising will give me tremendous future opportunities. Whenever I shop, I am very curious about what efforts are put into those products -what kind of marketing, what kind of research, etc. After visiting several colleges, Santa Monica College stood out to me the most and I am confident that this college would enhance my understanding about the business side of fashion. I would like to study the background about merchandise control and also the fundamentals of product management. At the same time I would be able to learn a wide range of fashion related things, such as Trends and Design analysis, fashion buying, marketing, advanced fashion illustration and advertising using computer. I am also excited about involvement in the production of the fashion show which takes place on campus. I would love to exchange my opinion with a lot of passionate people coming from different country. Teachers are also attractive too and I would give me great pleasure if I could get the opportunity to learn from these teachers because they have wonderful long careers and even now, most of them continue to their work actively. Santa Monica College definitely will give me a great future business opportunities and personal skills. I also love the location of Santa Monica College –very peaceful and an ideal place to study. I want to go to this college for two years and take a degree properly."

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    #2

    Re: Revising application essay

    can anyone help me? please!!!

  1. Raymott's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: Revising application essay

    It's not really a function of this forum to help applicants give an unrealistic and deceptive impression to a college. If Santa Monica College wanted our work, they could apply here directly.

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    #4

    Re: Revising application essay

    Quote Originally Posted by Raymott View Post
    It's not really a function of this forum to help applicants give an unrealistic and deceptive impression to a college. If Santa Monica College wanted our work, they could apply here directly.
    No. it's private purpose. Her English 's not good so she need your help. Please help her if possible.

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    #5

    Re: Revising application essay

    Her English is not as bad as you seem to think. In fact, it's very good.

    • Member Info
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    #6

    Re: Revising application essay

    Can any teacher at least help her make a clearer layout? Her English is quite good, but writing is the English part which she was not taught in her school. Thank you very much.

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