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    #1

    Unhappy This text sounds weird, but can't figure why.

    Hello people, I'm new in the forums, I'm an indie developer.
    I'm about to finish a project, but at the credits of the game there are some talking of a narrator, the thing is, this text sound weird, and I'm not sure if the correct expressions are used, and if there's any grammar error.

    The main part of both endings:

    The tic tac of the clock continued its march, without stopping, at a relentless pace that showed the inexorable power of time on people’s faces. Many events happened and Ethan family savings decreased in the eternal fulfillment of hospital fees until it became untenable, ...Ethan continued stuck in his world of darkness, suffering the torment of the pararell life he had, while in our present his body lied inert to the stimuli that continually tried to reanimate him and keep the hope of waking him, only the mechanical ventilation kept him tied to life, however, when he stopped showing cerebral activity and with all family’s savings depleted, the doctors recommended disconnecting him and ending his suffering.

    OK, first: does "tic tac" is a correct clock expression in english?.
    Seconds: this sound ugly "his body lied inert to the stimuli that continually tried to reanimate him and keep the hope of waking him", I'dont know if thats because the sentence is too long.
    Any other observation would be nice

    BAD ENDING PART:
    The result were as expected, the vital functions of Ethan ceased and ended his family’s agony, which still had hope, on the other hand, his friends eventually forgot Ethan and never heard of him again.
    His funeral was lonely as only his mother with her face full of sorrow and some relatives, believing his soul was finally free on this world, the world we can see, the fisical world we all know about.. but what happened on Ethan’s surrealistic world, has it really ended or is he still suffering there? We will never know... until its our turn to go there.....

    First: this also sounds ugly "which still had hope"? i wanna mean that his family has the hope that he will wake some day.
    Seconds: is "fisical world" or "Physical world"?
    Third: I there any substitute for this? "on Ethan’s surrealistic world", surrealistic sounds... weird. Or it's just my idea?

    GOOD ENDING PART:
    A heartbreaking cry full of distress came from the deepest of his mother’s soul, a cry so deep that it transcended the barriers of dimensions and reached Ethan, miraculously, in the last second, before disconnecting the machines that kept him tied to this world, Ethan reacted and in an impulse of his brain followed by a faint and sloppy movement of his fingers, his tired mother noticed and told the doctors, and they could finally wake him up.

    His mind came back hollow and lost, he couldn’t recognize or remember anything, many shadowy and painful images came to his mind however, there was no relation with the present, no familiar faces, there were no friends or relatives, only the deep and emaciated face of his mother woke on him an unexplainable joy and confidence that helped him on his new beginning, on his awakening to a world full of light and, a world where Ethan knew, he would have to start again.

    First: Is there a way for making this sounds better? "came from the deepest of his mother’s soul", also this sounds weird at the end "woke on him an unexplainable joy and confidence that helped him on his new beginning".

    Thanks guys for you time and patience.

    Cheers

  1. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: This text sounds weird, but can't figure why.

    In BrE, clocks go "tick tock".
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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    #3

    Re: This text sounds weird, but can't figure why.

    Same here.

    Your sentences are all too long and you seem to be trying too hard to say things in a poetic and roundabout way.

    "Eternal fulfillment of hospital fees"? I don't think so. You don't fulfill fees and you later state that the money ran out, so nothing was eternal.

    Try writing what you want to say in short, clear sentences.

  2. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: This text sounds weird, but can't figure why.

    It's "physical", not "fisical".
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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    #5

    Re: This text sounds weird, but can't figure why.

    Ok, I made some corrections, I think now it sounds better, what do you think?

    Main Plot:
    The tick tock of the clock continued its march,without stopping, at a relentless pace that showed the inexorable power of time on the face of the people.
    Many events happened and Ethan family savings decreased, paying the unreachable hospital fees until it became untenable,
    .. .Ethan continued stuck in his world of darkness, suffering the torment of the parallel life he had, while in our present his body lied inert, to the stimuli that continually tried to reanimate him, keeping alive the hope of waking him up, only the medical equipment kept him tied to life, however, when his brain stopped showing activity, and with all family’s savings depleted, the doctors recommended disconnecting him, ending his suffering...

    BAD ENDING
    The results were as expected, Ethan's vital functions ceased, shattering all the hope, and ending his mother's agony. On the other hand, his friends eventually forgot him, ... and never heard of him again.
    His funeral was lonely as only his mother and some relatives went, believing his soul was finally free on this world, the world we can see, the physical world we all know about. But what happened on Ethan’s dark world?"
    Has it really ended or is he still suffering there?, We will never know... until its our turn to go there.....

    GOOD ENDING
    A heartbreaking cry full of distress came from the deepest of his mother’s entrails, a cry so deep that it transcended the barriers of dimensions, reaching Ethan, miraculously, in the last second, before disconnecting the machines that kept him tied to this world. Ethan reacted, and with a weak impulse from his brain, followed by a faint and sloppy movement of his fingers, his tired mother noticed and told the doctors, and they could finally wake him up.
    His mind came back hollow and lost, he couldn’t recognize or remember anything, many blurry and painful images came to his mind, however, there was no relation with the present, no familiar faces, there were no friends or relatives,...
    Only the deep and emaciated face of his mother woke on him, an unexplainable joy and confidence, helping him on his new beginning,...
    ...on his awakening to a world full of light and, a world where Ethan knew, he would have to start again.

    Does it sounds better now? THANKS!

  3. Roman55's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: This text sounds weird, but can't figure why.

    I am not a teacher.

    "his body lied inert..." I don't think so.

    "Lied" is the past tense of to lie (not tell the truth).

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    #7

    Re: This text sounds weird, but can't figure why.

    Oh, after checking on google, i got more confused, please have a look at this, i'm really confused.
    http://www.grammarmudge.cityslide.co...92333/8992.htm

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    #8

    Re: This text sounds weird, but can't figure why.

    Ok, I'm almost sure it's one of these "laid inert" or "lay inert", but which one?

  4. MikeNewYork's Avatar
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    #9

    Re: This text sounds weird, but can't figure why.

    "'Lay".

  5. konungursvia's Avatar
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    #10

    Re: This text sounds weird, but can't figure why.

    It's also just bad writing.

    The tic tac of the clock continued its march, without stopping, at a relentless pace that showed the inexorable power of time on people’s faces.

    Continued is fine, you don't need "without stopping" or "at a relentless pace" -- and a sound can hardly be said to "show the power of time on people's faces."

    Does the noise each second bring out our wrinkles?
    Last edited by konungursvia; 22-Jun-2014 at 14:55. Reason: sp. "out"

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