[General] Converting an informal text in to formal englisch

[Skray]

Hi Everybody,

I need your help! Next week i have to write an english exam at the economic university in Austria. At my first attend I don't get enough points to pass, so I would be very gratefull if somebody can correct my text and give some advices. For our teachers it is very important that we use a formal and high registered language. The text should include accurate statements, appropriate terminology (keywords) and linkers!. Please also take a look at my grammer, because it is still worse but i try hard to improve it. Thaaank you very much and here is my text.

In this excersice we have to convert an informal text to a formal one (The highlighted parts were given):

informal version: a)For a while now lots of people have wanted to buy the electronic goods I sell. That's made it tough for me- I own and run the business on my own. I could do with more money to buy in more electronic goods to sell.

For some time now, many people have come to my shop and they wanted to buy my electronic goods. At the moment I am not able to handle all tasks by myself. If I had more money, I would be able to increase my stock and finally sell more products.

You know lots about how to get more money and how to deal with all sorts of money problems. You would organise that side of business; I would concentrate on what we sell and how we sell it.

Because of that I want you to join my enterprise. You have the expertise about finance and you are able to solve all financial problems. In my opinion the best solution would be when you are managing the finance sector and I focus on sales, distribution.

Of course, if I borrow money for the business and can't pay it back, you will have to pay up yourself, even if it means selling your car or your house. That's why I'm sending you a letter from my bank sayin what a reliable person I am.

Of course, should I go bankruptcy you are liable for all debts and your private fortune can be called upon. Because of that I send you my bank reference that you are able to screen my financial situation.

And that's not the only thing that yould cause problems for us. One thing we could do to stop problems from happening is writing down on a piece of paper what each of us is supposed to do in the business. And what happens if we no longer want to stay in business together.

Other potential problems also exist. In order to avoid problems we can draw up a partnership agreement in which is written down all tasks and managing areas and we can also summarize what happened when we want to dissolve the partnership.

 

[Skray]

I wrote two more short textes, can someone pls correct it or give me some advices. The bolded phrases were quoted.

In that case, there is no point in doing as you proposed and looking for a partner who can help you with your management tasks, but you have still unlimited liability and your private fortune can be called upon. But if you want to have limited liability a solution would be to found a company in which you have limited liability and for a company it is easy to raise capital.

We take the opinions of our staff very seriously and have therefore decided to introduce a flextime scheme, which will allow you to improve you work-life balance. Initially we will try to implement a pilot scheme.

 

[Barb_D]

Are you taking a course in business English?
Some of these thing are very specific. The entire first text, trying to beg someone to give you money as your partner and take on all the risk is so unlikely.

 

[Skray]

Yes I am visiting at the moment the course "Business Communication One" at my university. In my oppinion the phrases are too formal for communication, even when you want to negotiate sth. but we have to apply this formal english.

Can you pls check my textes for grammar mistakes??

 

[Skray]

Sorry for dobblepost, here another text i have written:

We’ve got major problems with the dog baskets you’ve sent us. I’ll tell you why in what comes next.

a) I’ve had a good look at the baskets you sent us. They’re nothing like the one you sent us before we ordered, to show us what they’re like. They’re not as well made and not as big as we thought they would be.

b) There’s no way we can sell these baskets to people. They’ll laugh at us. We won’t make any money on them either.

c) We’re not going to keep them. They’re all on their way back to you. We’re not paying for sending them. We want that money back which we gave you before you sent them to us. This is a shock for us ‘cos everything else you’ve sent us has been OK!

d) This time you’ve caused us BIG problems. It had better not happen again. If it does, we’ll get our baskets etc elsewhere! Write back soon!

Formal:

Dear Mr Smith I am writing to complain about the consignment of dog baskets (Order no. 1234) we received this morning.

a) On examination of the products I found out that the quality of the products you send us are not as good as the trials you had sent us before.

b) Unfortunately, in view of these major mistakes we are not able to sell them, because our customers are only willing to pay for high quality products.

c) I must therefore insist on sending back consignment at your expense.
I am surprised by this incident, as our previous orders were executed satisfactorily.

d) I am sorry to inform you that you have caused many problems. If anything similar were to happen again we would be forced to seek a new supplier.
We are looking forward to your prompt reply. Yours sincerely Carmen Espinosa