Student or Learner
hi guyyyyys ! I know you are tired of reading unknown people's stuff (cv, cover letters, applications...) but pleaaase can you just give me some suggestions on how to improve my motivational letter??
here are some issues:
- I was told the letter is too long and lenghty (it's one page long, I was suggested to make it half a page!)
- i was told the letter is too impersonal
- I was told I should replace the conditional tense with the SIMPLE FUTURE tense, because with the future tense I sound more determined and self-confident
feel FREE to criticize it !
Object: Application for Buenos Aires Campus Admission for the semester 2015
To the attention of whom it may concern,
I am Giovanna Z***, a student enrolled in the second year of CLaBE. With this letter I would like to express my strong interest in participating at your Buenos Aires Campus for the semester 2015. Studying abroad is a necessary and highly required experience in today’s globalized world as it allows students to gain an international perspective. As I am planning to pursue further my studies in a Master relating to International Business, international experience in a global setting is a must to integrate with my studies: I personally believe that learning international Business in a classroom is only one side of the whole learning process which must be supported with exchange programs and internships.
Studying and living in Argentina, one of the largest countries in Latin America, would provide me with the unique opportunity to experience firsthand the emerging markets of Latin America, representing the fast-growing economy of the future. I would be very interested in learning and developing far more in-depth knowledge about the current socio-economic environment characterizing Argentina and, broadly-speaking, the Latin world, as well as about the past historical developments. I strongly believe that studying a semester at Buenos Aires would be an enriching opportunity to grow professionally and academically, enhancing my prospects of getting a job abroad in today’s highly-competitive job hunt. Furthermore what makes the Buenos Aires exchange program highly attractive to me, is the opportunity to attend different company visits, as the description states. Getting practical experience and insight on how a company works in a true business setting allows students to develop an understanding of that particular firm working in that particular market sector. If graduating students are given the possibility to build a dialogue with local businesses in Buenos Aires they can build insights on today’s market challenges and opportunities as well as an understanding of the market structure.
I would like to mention a fourth key point motivating my application in Buenos Aires: the importance of learning Spanish. Learning a third foreign language (after English and French) is an asset for my personal resumé as in today cross-cultural world it is highly valued to know the most number of languages possible. Spanish is the second most spoken language in the world after Chinese, slightly ahead of English; furthermore due to the economic growth and export capabilities in Latin countries Spanish is becoming important in the business world. There are about 530 million Spanish speakers in the world who constitute a group of homogenous consumers that companies cannot ignore, especially if expanding in Latin countries. I should say I am eager to learn this new language thus improving my language skills.
Last but not least, I am sure I would make the most of my experience in Buenos Aires, trying to learn as much as possible about the social and cultural characteristics of its population and the economic and political environment, just like I did during my six-month long Erasmus Exchange program in Oslo, Norway. As a matter of facts my academic aspiration is to create a unique Bachelor graduation thesis based on acknowledgements derived from my two international study-abroad experiences. To make my own bachelor thesis more than just a meaningless essay paper I would personalize it by comparing data and valuable information I could personally achieve in two very different cities, Buenos Aires and Oslo, in a congruent and consistent way. The resulting outcome would be the real way to test how much I really learnt during my exchange programs.
In conclusion I highly regard the semester at the Buenos Aires campus as a value-adding experience allowing me to broaden my perspectives and to benefit from an international environment.
Thank you very much for considering my application and for this opportunity; I look forward to your positive response.
Addressing anyone as "hey you" and especially in all capital letters is simply not a good way to obtain the help you're looking for. I was tempted to just stop with this sentence.
"The semester of 2015" is not meaningful. Which semester?
I have no idea what CLaBE is, and I don't know where you are from.
If you don't know Spanish, will you be able to succeed in classes in Argentina? This entire paragraph is far too long. You say it's your fourth reason, but you didn't really list one, two, or three, clearly. The typical essay includes three main points. Just stick with three.
They don't need to be told that Argentina is a big country.
You could do a bit more saying what you would contribute to the enviornment there.
Last edited by Barb_D; 02-Jul-2014 at 18:03.
I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.