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    #1

    Question Spoken Word Poem

    Hello everybody !! I am a Beginner Poet, and this is a part of my first poem. So I would you correct it,
    and that will be a pleasure from you :)

    -THE EVIL

    I was walking along the road alone; mumbling to myself...
    what is going on? Then I asked myself.
    Why people see me just a thing on the shelve?
    Why the Evil would get me in the shell?

    Is that because I had a light-hearted won't it in the cell?
    or because the freedom needs people like me,
    but people like me buzzing like bees
    with a word I want to change the world.

  1. konungursvia's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Spoken Word Poem

    I was walking along the road alone; mumbling to myself...
    What is going on? Then I asked myself.
    Why do people see me as just a thing on the shelf?
    Why would the Evil put me in this shell? [??? incomprehensible line]

    Is it because I had a light-hearted [...?] in the cell?
    Or because freedom needs people like me,
    But people like me buzzing like a bee
    With a word I want to change the world.


    *** It is not clear what you are talking about.

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    #3

    Re: Spoken Word Poem

    *** It is not clear what you are talking about.[/QUOTE]



    Maybe Because I didn't post the whole poem, or Maybe my english is bad :)

  2. Barb_D's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: Spoken Word Poem

    Quote Originally Posted by BlueGreenYellowRed View Post
    Hello everybody !! I am a Beginner Poet, and this is a part of my first poem. So I would you correct it,
    and that will be a pleasure from you :)

    -THE EVIL

    I was walking along the road alone; mumbling to myself...there is no need for a semi-colon here. Use a comma.
    what is going on? Then I asked myself. A poem does not need to follow common capitalization or punctuation rules, but "What is going?" Then I ask myself,
    It's your choice as the poet, but separating the "mumbling to myself" from what you are mumbling and separating "I ask myself" what what you ask" seems odd to me. But again, your choice as the poet!

    Why people see me just a thing on the shelve? Why do people see me as just a thing on the shelf?
    Why the Evil would get me in the shell? I'm sorry, but this doesn't make sense. What do you mean?

    Is that because I had a light-hearted won't it in the cell? A light-hearted WHAT? Won't WHAT in the cell?
    or because the freedom needs people like me,
    but people like me buzzing like bees This one doesn't make sense to me either.
    with a word I want to change the world. Okay... is that because you're God? What is that word? I can't figure it out. Change it for the better? The worse? What does evil have to do with any of this?
    I am the first to admit I don't know much about poetry but I've tried to show you where the English doesn't work.
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

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