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    #1

    proof read common app essay please

    Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted you to act? Would you make the same decision again?

    ESSAY:
    Walking out of my school gate one day, I noticed a very old man sitting alone under our schools massive oak tree. The ancient-looking man had a fringe of silver hair around his balding, mottled scalp. His rag-like clothes looked as though they had not been washed in years. His wizened face had a certain restlessness on it while he sat on his wheelchair, which was easily as weak and decrepit as he was. The resigned look on his face was even worse to see; one of a man who knows that at his age life has stopped giving and only takes away.
    I could not imagine a worse scenario for a person to be in and decided to make an effort to help him. Therefore, I talked to a few of my friends regarding the man. No one seemed interested and all of them had the same feeble excuse. “We can’t help him. We’re just a bunch of teenagers who can barely take care of ourselves, let alone save an old guy. I’ve seen him and trust me, he’s beyond saving!”
    Everyone I talked to, family, friends or strangers, did not take me seriously. Like in most places in the world, teenagers are considered as people who are easily influenced by everything they see and listen to. People refuse to think that we can make a positive difference to society.
    I decided to take matters into my own hands. I started small, giving him my lunch money everyday after school. After that, I started saving up. Eventually, I had enough money to buy him new clothes. I managed to help him every now and again and although he never said much, I could tell that he appreciated my efforts. We even chatted a bit about each other’s lives. He never wanted to mention his family and although I was curious , I could understood why he never wanted to talk about it. He said that he’d been living this way for the past 5 years, hoping to find some help, and bar a few small donations here and there, people usually never cared. He was on the verge of tears. This was, without doubt, one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life. This man was a prime example of someone who had been ruined by our society’s lack of care for people who, according to it, did not matter.
    Several months passed by and it seemed like I was the only one trying to make a difference for the old man. Then, one day, he stopped coming. I began to fear the worst. After all, exactly how long could a 80-year-old man live on the street without getting seriously ill? Perhaps, he was beyond saving after all. However, what happened afterwards was hugely satisfying.
    It turned out that someone else, probably a parent of a school kid, had seen the old man at school and decided to take full responsibility for him. Everything had been taken care off, ranging from medical care and food to a place for him to live. He had been enrolled in a senior citizens home and when I paid him a visit, I was delighted by all the care he was getting. He expressed his gratitude and even went as far as saying that I was the reason he managed to get all this help. Apparently, the man who decided to take care of him, saw me helping him over the past few months and finally decided to do something more permanent for him. I felt satisfied and content with the fact that my seemingly insignificant contribution made a difference. I managed to show with my actions that we teenagers can do something for a deserving member of the community. My decision to help the man is one that I would never hesitate in making again, even if the result is not as worthwhile.

  1. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: proof read common app essay please

    Welcome to the forum.

    What is the purpose of your essay? When must you submit it to your teacher/tutor for marking or grading?
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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    #3

    Re: proof read common app essay please

    It's a Personal essay.I have to shorten it a bit but i need to know if the general idea is solid and supports the topic.

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    #4

    Re: proof read common app essay please

    If it's a personal essay and you are just writing it for practice/fun, why do you have​ to shorten it?
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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    #5

    Re: proof read common app essay please

    Umm, I mean by 50 words or so so that it's below the word limit.A personal essay is a essay you have to write for college, not for fun.

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    #6

    Re: proof read common app essay please

    So you are writing this as a college assignment! When is it due?
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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    #7

    Re: proof read common app essay please

    It is not an assignment . It's to get accepted into a college! Are you a student?

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    #8

    Re: proof read common app essay please

    Hello Sameer,

    I can't proofread the essay if that is against the forum rules, but I want to tell you what I like about it.

    Using the word 'hugely' is a great idea; in the minds of most people, I think, that word has strong associations with exciting ideas. When we learned the word 'huge' as young kids, huge things were always exciting... like a huge toy, or a huge building, etc.

    Your writing style is really nice. Essays like this are usually boring, but this one caught my attention. If you want to dig a little deeper, you can ask yourself: What is the important idea behind this story? What goals can I achieve by attending the college of my choice? How is the idea of this story related to the goal I am trying to achieve.

    The Admission Office reader who will review your essay is a human, so s/he can be persuaded emotionally. The reader might be persuaded if you can mention some special goal or interest that you want to pursue in the next few years during your college studies. For example, maybe you are deeply interested in researching and mastering a particular subject area that is important to you. If you are creative, you can use the story in the essay to DEMONSTRATE the reason why your goal is important to you.

    When your essay includes some discussion of a particular goal you are trying to achieve, especially a short term goal to be achieved in the next year or two, it really can be inspirational to the reader. They will recognize your inspired motivation to achieve great things in your field of interest, and they'll want to give you an opportunity.

    You may need proofreading, so let's find out if it is acceptable for me to proofread an essay like this. I can help; for example, in the first sentence you need an apostrophe in 'schools'..
    And I think it would be great to surprise the reader by starting more abruptly, like this:
    Walking out of my school gate one day, --- This part is not an exciting way to start, so maybe it can be omitted.

    I noticed a very old an ancient-looking man sitting alone under our school’s massive oak tree. The ancient-looking man He had a fringe of silver hair around his balding, mottled scalp...

    But that is just the style of writing I like. It is not necessarily better.

    This is already an impressive essay. It has a fast-paced rhythm because of the way you varied your sentence length and structure. I hope you do well in college, save the world, and succeed in business!

    Best regards,

    DoctorMyDocument
    Last edited by Doctor Document; 08-Aug-2014 at 16:49.

  5. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #9

    Re: proof read common app essay please

    Quote Originally Posted by SameerHussain View Post
    It is not an assignment . It's to get accepted into a college! Are you a student?
    No, I am not a student. Will this essay determine whether or not your English is good enough to be accepted into the college or is it to do with the quality of your writing, regardless of the language?
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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    #10

    Re: proof read common app essay please

    Quality of writing.

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