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    #1

    My name is Andrew. I grew up in a small town.

    could anyone correct my essay? it is a 500 words essay about myself and "How do you see yourself as youth and student to help shaping the sustainable world of tomorrow"
    I am not a native speaker. Correction in grammatical, spelling, comma usage error will be much appreciated. Thank you all :)


    My name is Andrew. I grew up in a small town in East Kalimantan Province called Balikpapan. The population there is quite small, so it became a very tight community where everyone knew everyone. My father works at an oil and gas company. He talked about his works all the time, which mean I learn about the importance of energy at a very young age. I became very interested in energy, especially the renewable and sustainable energy. I want to have a world class energy company one day. To pursue my dream, I chose to go to one of the best universities in the country, ITB. I am convinced that electricity is the energy of the future, because of that I chose to major in electrical power engineering.
    Now, I am a third year student in ITB. I am involved in a lot of extracurricular activities such as, staff in Professional Division (Keprofesian) at Electrical Engineering Student Organization, staff in Welfare (Kesra) division at ITB Riau Students Association (UKMR), and many more. I know that in order improve my self it is not enough just to study in class, I have to have leadership skill, social skill, and other soft skills that I cannot learn in class.

    In campus, there are a lot of talks about this nation and the world’s future energy. As we know, the fossil fuel is now still widely used as the main energy source in the world, mainly because it is cheaper than its environmentally friendly competitor, the renewable energy. But, it is now become more and more apparent that in the long term, the renewable energy will prevail. It is because the fossil based energy reserved is declining and the technology in renewable energy is advancing.

    The transition from fossil based energy to its more sustainable and cleaner competitor, the renewable energy cannot be done over night, but it has to start immediately. Experts on the field said that to ensure that we have sustainable energy in the future we have to conserve, divercify, and intensify energy. As a student and youth me and my friends all over the world can help this transition toward the better future. To start, we can socialize the importance of energy conservation and also promote the future of renewable energy to raise the people awareness of this issue at least to the community where we live. Students have to think globally and act locally. If students all over the world are doing this, the impact will be massive. Secondly, we can take action our self in helping the community by providing them with clean and renewable energy source. Electrical Engineering Student Organization at ITB has initiated a program called PALAPA which built energy independent villages that take advantage of the energy provided by natural resources. Over the past 5 years, PALAPA has been successfully implemented at two locations in Indonesia. We also can help by advancing the technology. We can help research the most effective and efficient energy management in our country or even do research on renewable energy technology.

  1. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #2

    My name is Andrew. I grew up in a small town.

    A little bit at a time.

    Quote Originally Posted by wongedhan View Post
    Could anyone correct my essay? it is a 500 word essay about myself


    Quote Originally Posted by wongedhan View Post
    "How do you see yourself as youth and student to help shaping the sustainable world of tomorrow"
    That sentence makes my head hurt.





    Quote Originally Posted by wongedhan View Post
    I am not a native speaker. Correction in grammatical, spelling, comma usage error will be much appreciated. Thank you all :)
    Say:

    Correction in grammar, spelling, and punctuation will be much appreciated.


    Last edited by emsr2d2; 02-Sep-2014 at 13:44.

  2. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #3

    My name is Andrew. I grew up in a small town.

    Quote Originally Posted by wongedhan View Post


    My name is Andrew. I grew up in a small town in East Kalimantan Province called Balikpapan.
    If you want to use the "everyone knew everyone" phrase see if you can't fit that into the second sentence.

    Last edited by emsr2d2; 02-Sep-2014 at 13:45.

  3. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #4

    My name is Andrew. I grew up in a small town.

    1. Please don't say that the population is small.
    2. Space between paragraphs.


    Last edited by emsr2d2; 02-Sep-2014 at 13:45.

  4. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #5

    My name is Andrew. I grew up in a small town.

    When will you submit your essay to your teacher/tutor for marking or grading?
    Last edited by emsr2d2; 02-Sep-2014 at 13:46.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  5. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #6

    My name is Andrew. I grew up in a small town.

    Well, I don't think this one is coming back (but I could be wrong). I will try to keep in mind from now on that I am not supposed to do anybody's homework. (I googled "small population" then when I got here I realized that the OP didn't say that. However, I did see an interesting picture, here: https://plus.google.com/s/%22small%2...22/posts?hl=en )

    Last edited by emsr2d2; 02-Sep-2014 at 13:45.

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    #7

    My name is Andrew. I grew up in a small town.

    Thank You for all your help. This is not a homework or an essay for competitive purpose. It is just a mandatory essay if I want to become a committee in an event. That's all. Nothing more. And I'm sorry I didn't come back for the past few days. I just have a lot going on. Once again, thank you for your help @Tarheel
    Last edited by emsr2d2; 02-Sep-2014 at 13:46.

  6. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #8

    My name is Andrew. I grew up in a small town.

    You don't have to apologize for not posting for a few days. (If that were the case, I would owe them a bunch of apologies.)

    I am not sure I understand what you are saying. Is there some committee you want to get appointed to?

    (Are you Chinese?)

    The essay gets off track on the third sentence. Try:

    My name is Andrew. I grew up in a small town in East Kalimantan Province called Balikpapan. It was a place where everybody knew everybody.


    (Back when I was a moderator I probably would have changed the title of this thing by now. (We don't want all the titles to look alike.))




    Last edited by emsr2d2; 02-Sep-2014 at 13:46.

  7. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #9

    My name is Andrew. I grew up in a small town.

    Quote Originally Posted by wongedhan View Post


    My father worked at an oil and gas company. He talked about his work all the time, which meant that I learned about the importance of energy at a very young age.
    When he talked about his work did he talk to you about it, or did you hear him talking to other people?

    Last edited by emsr2d2; 02-Sep-2014 at 13:47.

  8. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #10

    Re: My name is Andrew. I grew up in a small town.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post

    Back when I was a moderator I probably would have changed the title of this thing by now. (We don't want all the titles to look alike.)
    I've changed the title (and then had to change it in each reply!)
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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