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    • Member Info
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    #1

    PLZZZ CHECK MY COVER LETTER FOR BACHELOR

    Please check my cover letter for studying bachelor! thank in advance

    Dear Sir or Madam!
    I am writing this letter to apply for the Bachelor International Business Management program at HTW for the 2015 summer term.
    First of all, i would like reveal the reasons why i interested in studying business and desire to set my future plan in this industry. Being born and raising in Vietnam which is considered as Third World country, i observed people from all walks of life in my country working hard days and nights still cannot afford to live. My parents who are blue-collar worker are not an exception. This bitter truth constantly urge me to find the answer. Until one day, i read this quote from Muhammad Yunus in Banker to the Poor: Micro-Lending and the Battle Against World Poverty said : “People.. were poor not because they were stupid or lazy. They worked all day long, doing complex physical tasks. They were poor because the financial institution in the country did not help them widen their economic base.” After reading that book, i found that the understanding of business and international integration especially in the globalization in 21 century is the door to open my future. After 2 years of researching, I was very delighted to find the opportunity to learning International Business Management at the HTW Berlin. I have decided to apply for this programme because I am sure it would strongly enrich my future studies and help me in my prospective career.

    In order to achieve my career aspiration, i have equipped myself not only by passive learning from lectures but also by reality experiments at works. Besides accumulating academic knowledge at my current university, i exposed myself and enhanced my experience at this field by working in English Step up center as a telesale and class organization as well as start up my own business. When launching my own business – selling IELTS documents, i started directly sale to my customers and then expand my brand through Facebook. My business maintained for almost 1 year until my lack of advertising and finance management became a barrier to extend my business. Thanks to working in a start-up company, my strength and weakness was revealed. While i fascinated with communicate with people and employee management, my understand about launching a business is modest and briefly. Therefore, I would like to study in HTW for further developing my skills as well as enrich my savvy in business management.

    I have chosen to apply HTW because I really keen on its module system of study. I specially appreciate the wide range of offered modules as long as the international environment. Many of the modules offered are unique for me, because there is no equivalent at my home university. Moreover, with fifty percent of students in this progamme is international students from different cultures and countries, studying in IBM progamme in HTW offer me precious opportunities to gain my knowledge and skill in this fild as well as repair myself ready to enter the global market.

    In conclusion, I would like to say that I am eager to gain new experiences, improve my skills and broaden my understanding of the dynamic economic world, and I am persuaded that studying in the IBM program would contribute to my development as a specialist of international level in the best possible way.

    Thank you very much for considering my application.

    Yours faithfully,

    [Personal info removed]
    Last edited by emsr2d2; 28-Aug-2014 at 07:38. Reason: Unnecessary link and personal info removed

  1. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: PLZZZ CHECK MY COVER LETTER FOR BACHELOR

    Say:

    the reasons why I am interested in studying business...
    Delete:


    desire to set my future plan in this industry.

    (That one makes no sense.)

    Say:


    Being born and raised in Vietnam, which is considered a Third-World country.

    (This is as much work as I want to do until I find out if somebody is actually reading this.)


    • Member Info
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    #3

    Re: PLZZZ CHECK MY COVER LETTER FOR BACHELOR

    thank you very much!

  2. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: PLZZZ CHECK MY COVER LETTER FOR BACHELOR

    Well, since somebody is actually reading my posts here, I suppose I will do some more. (Don't thank me in advance again, but click the "Thank" button.)

    Quote Originally Posted by haianhnguyen View Post
    nce

    Dear Sir or Madam!
    I am writing this letter to apply for the Bachelor International Business Management program at HTW for the 2015 summer term. First of all, i would like reveal the reasons why am i interested in studying business and want to work in this industry. Being born and raised, in Vietnam which is considered a Third World country, i observed people from all walks of life in my country working hard days and nights barely getting by. My parents, who are blue-collar workers are no exception. I looked earnestly for a way to make things better for those people. One day, i read this quote from Muhammad Yunus in Banker to the Poor: Micro-Lending and the Battle Against World Poverty: “People.. were poor not because they were stupid or lazy. They worked all day long, doing complex physical tasks. They were poor because the financial institution in the country did not help them widen their economic base.” After reading that book, i found that the understanding of business and international integration especially in the globalization in the 21st century is the door to my future. After two years of research, I was very delighted to find the opportunity to learn at International Business Management at the HTW Berlin. I have decided to apply for this programme because I am sure it would strongly enrich my future studies and help me in my prospective career.
    I don't know what it means to enrich somebody's future studies. (It might mean something, but I don't know what it is.)

    Last edited by Tarheel; 30-Aug-2014 at 20:01. Reason: fix speling

  3. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: PLZZZ CHECK MY COVER LETTER FOR BACHELOR

    Please remember that when I tell you I don't understand something you should not use it.

    Quote Originally Posted by haianhnguyen View Post
    In order to achieve my career aspirations, i have learned things not only by attending lectures but also by participating in reality experiments at work.
    I am having some trouble figuring out what the writer is trying to say, but I think i am making progress.


  4. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: PLZZZ CHECK MY COVER LETTER FOR BACHELOR

    Quote Originally Posted by haianhnguyen View Post

    Besides accumulating academic knowledge at my current university, i exposed myself and enhanced my experience at this field by working in English Step up center as a telesale and class organization as well as start up my own business.
    How about:

    Besides learning about the field at college, I have learned quite a bit by working in the field (including running my own business).


  5. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: PLZZZ CHECK MY COVER LETTER FOR BACHELOR

    Quote Originally Posted by haianhnguyen View Post
    When launching my own business selling IELTS documents - i started with direct sales to my customers and then expanded my brand through Facebook. My business ran fine for almost a year until my lack of advertising and finance management became a barrier to keeping it going. ]
    We're making progress. (Note that when you bracket a phrase do it with a dash on either side or a comma on either side but not one of each.)


  6. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #8

    Re: PLZZZ CHECK MY COVER LETTER FOR BACHELOR

    Quote Originally Posted by haianhnguyen View Post

    Thanks to working in a start-up company, my strength and weakness was revealed. While i fascinated with communicate with people and employee management, my understand about launching a business is modest and briefly. Therefore, I would like to study in HTW for further developing my skills as well as enrich my savvy in business management.
    You want to learn more about how to run a business?

    (You need to simplify your sentences to make them more understandable. I should be able to understand what you are saying without working really really hard at it.)


  7. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #9

    Re: PLZZZ CHECK MY COVER LETTER FOR BACHELOR

    Quote Originally Posted by haianhnguyen View Post
    I have chosen to apply to HTW because I am really keen on its module system of study. I specially appreciate the wide range of offered modules as well as the international environment. Many of the modules offered are new to me, because there is no equivalent at my home university. Moreover, with fifty percent of the students in this programme being international students from different cultures and countries, studying in the IBM progamme in HTW offers me wonderful opportunities to increase my knowledge and skill in this field as well as prepare to enter the global market.

    In conclusion, I would like to say that I am eager to gain new experiences, improve my skills and broaden my understanding of the dynamic economic world, and I am persuaded that studying in the IBM program would contribute to my development as a specialist of international level in the best possible way.

    Thank you very much for considering my application.

    Yours faithfully,

    [Personal info removed]
    It is indeed important for you to impress the school with your enthusiasm level and your willingness to learn. However, putting together a sentence which seems to have a lot of buzz words in it might not be the best way to do that. What they will be impressed with is your sincerity and your willingness to work hard at your studies. (I assume that they already know that English is not your first language.)

    ~Ron
    Last edited by Tarheel; 03-Sep-2014 at 22:02. Reason: added "not" to sentence

  8. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #10

    Re: PLZZZ CHECK MY COVER LETTER FOR BACHELOR

    Since I am a native speaker and I don't understand your advice, I am sure that ESL learners will not understand it either.


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